By Mike Hardcastle
A closer look at opposite sex friendships.
Depending on whom you ask the answers to this age-old question range from “absolutely” to “absolutely not” and the fact of the matter is that there is no universal truth on this one. In some cases guys and girls can be the best of friends but in other cases any truly platonic relationship is virtually impossible. It all depends on how the friendship started, whether or not there is a physical attraction involved be it one sided or mutual, and on the personalities of the individuals. There really is no good reason why members of the opposite sex can’t have important and close friendships with one another and the objections of those who think it is impossible stem mostly from a crude cultural belief that all men want any woman they can get their hands on and that they view each and every woman as sexual objects first and real people second.
This is just plain stupid and does a disservice to males and females. While there are situations where physical attraction is a factor to contend with it rarely is so overwhelming that it makes a friendship impossible and when it does happen that physical attraction or lust gets in the way of being friends it isn’t always the guy who is struggling with those feelings. Yes, girls do lust after guys as much as guys lust after girls. It is not something that is exclusive to the male half of the species. Whether or not that lust stifles a budding friendship or destroys an existing one is entirely dependent on the person having the feelings. So bottom line, yes guys and girls can be friends if they really want to be friends. It only gets complicated if there is physical attraction involved and then only if the people involved don’t deal with it properly. What is the proper way to deal with this complication? You have to be up front about things. If you feel an attraction you have to let your friend know and be prepared for an answer you won’t want to hear. You must also be prepared to work through your feelings and make the friendship a priority over your broken dreams of romance. If you are the person being admired you must be prepared to be honest in your rejection, to make it clear you only want a friendship and to show that you mean it by sticking it out through the difficult post-declaration adjustment period. After that a friendship can definitely bloom.
There are some simple rules to make a boy-girl friendship a success:
Don’t cross the line of friendship EVER without realizing it may be a point of no return.
If you know your friend harbors deeper emotions toward you you must NEVER take advantage of those feelings to control your friend or get him/her to do what you want.
NEVER give in to physical attractions without knowing that it could change the friendship forever and in an irreversible way.
Respect that you will have different perspectives on important things because hey, you experience the world culture from two opposing realities.
Know that there will always be people who scoff at the validity of opposite-sex friendships and that they are the ones losing out, not you.
MY PERSONAL TAKE ON THIS IS :
Yes, guys and girls can have strictly platonic friendship. But I have also observed many instances in which two friends of opposite sex become friends due to physical attraction, first, and true friendship, second. Depending on the personalities of the people involved it may be easy to overcome the attraction and become strictly just friends, or it may be a challenge for either or both to overcome the attraction. What makes it more complex is that sometimes the party involved does not realize how intense the attraction is or that they underestimate it. Unwanted deep-seated emotional attachment which is not being reciprocated may result, which leads to a lot of heartache. This can mean long term resentments in the end.
When there is strong attraction between two people, space and time apart need to be allowed. Any kinds of emotions including anger, sadness, happiness, joy, feelings involving attraction are neither right or wrong. These are natural human emotions. When such situation arises, then the reasonable thing to do is to try to minimize the risk of hurt in the end. Though sometimes people cannot help it, because the saying 'love is blind' is sometimes true.
Since attraction often comes with attention and sometimes affection, some do not want to risk losing them. Consequently, either party or both may become hesitant to take steps to withdraw from this situation. To maintain friendship solely based on attraction and make it a point so that one does not lose attention and/or affection from the other person makes the friendship itself less valid. In this game, one realizes there is some sort of attraction from him/her toward the other person and/or vice versa, but no one is willing to take a step back to allow time apart for 'cooling off' period because 'cooling off' period means risk of losing attention and/or affection as the attraction may no longer be there or may become less intense. In this case, unknowingly or not, they have opted to not work through their true feelings and this will likely jeopardize friendship because they have made a choice to not make true friendship a top priority. Awkwardness, sabotage, jealousy, competition may follow.
Sometimes temporary time off from each other becomes a necessary avenue. It is more honorable for one to make a conscious choice to withdraw for some time even with the knowledge that there is a risk of losing friendship alltogether in the end, than to maintain a friendship and knowing that this may cause heartache. And it is definitely far more rewarding if one is upfront about things in the beginning and that after they have worked out their feelings, they maintain that true friendship.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
Mario's latest post : 'Parenting' influenced me to write this blog : Emotional Blackmail since it also has to do with our loved ones.
Emotional Blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which someone, who is often close to us, makes an attempt to get what they want from us or to get us to behave in a certain way through FOG (Fear, Obligation, and/or Guilt). Our parents, loved ones i.e. significant other, close friends, often use this technique because they know our strengths, as well as our weaknesses. It is precisely because they know us so well and know our vulnerabilities that they use emotional blackmail to get what they want us to do. Emotional blackmail involves the blackmailer making some type of demand to the recepient and posing a threat to get compliance from the recepient. Emotional blackmailer puts pressure and often will not take 'no' for an answer.
As a child, we are susceptible to emotional blackmail by our parents. When we are around our friends, siblings, those whom we least suspect would utilize such a technique in order to get what they want, we are susceptile to emotinal blackmail. Therefore, it is important to properly identify it, so that we are able to handle it when these situations arise.
I've heard parents say to their kids : 'I've done so much for you, this is the least you can do for me...' This is a prime example of emotional blackmail. It places a guilt trip onto the child, so that the child will respond to his/her parents favorably out of obligation, not free will. I've heard a loved one say to his/her partner : 'I'm giving you all of this and this is what I get in return?' Again, this will likely get someone to comply to a demand; however, it is compliance through fear. Fear of losing our loved one's acceptance and/or fear of disapproval by our loved one. In the emotional blackmailers' world, fair play ceased to exist, respecting anyone's feelings does not count. It is all about what the blackmailer wants. People often respond : '... well, our parents and loved ones have good intentions at heart; and therefore, they encourage us to do all these things because they know what's best for us..' There is some truth to this, but of course boundaries must be set. At some point the parent must trust his or her growing child. Eventually, the parent must trust himself or herself first, that s(he) has raised the child to be a full-grown, mature, responsible adult who is able to make reasonable decisions on his/her own, before they can trust the child. Many parents forget this all together.
In a relationship, there must be trust between two people, otherwise the relationship becomes dysfunctional. When there are unrealistic expectations and excessive demands in any relationship, parent-child, couple, etc., they place a huge burden in that relationship that in the end, it may compromise the health of that relationship. In the emotional blackmailers' world, no boundaries are set and no trust exists. In a relationship, we must first identify our needs and wants. These may be similar to our partner's or they may differ because we are unique individuals, or they can be a combination of both. Once these needs and wants are identified, we strive to obtain them to the best of our abilities, which will hopefully lead to personal fulfillment for each party. Personal fulfillment will greatly contribute to a satisfying relationship for both in the end. In the emotional blackmailers' world, our needs and wants are being discounted or all together dismissed. What matters is only what the blackmailer wants. That is all that counts.
Sometimes blackmailers will threaten to end an existing relationship. They may even say that they'll hurt themselves or that they'll suffer from depression if they don't get what they want. After a while and if this continues on, we fall into a pattern of letting them control our behavior and decisions, which in essence is their goal. And we may not realize this until it is too late. Like many emotional-related disorders, what I have seen happened to victims of emotional blackmail is that, they pass this dysfunction onto their kids, and the kids onto the next generation, and so on and so forth. They do not know how to function otherwise in their lives. Kids do things only to satisfy their parents without considering their needs and wants in life.
How do you break this cycle?
Stand on your grounds and be assertive about issues. Address those issues and communicate them with respect. In other words, take control and take the upper hand. Do not let them dictate and manipulate you into saying things that you would not have said otherwise, had it not been because you feel sorry for them. Remember it is a tactic for them to make you feel bad so that you fall into their trap of emotional blackmail.
Below are few examples I got from an article :
When they say :
1. How could you do this to me (after all i've done for you)
You say :
1. I knew you wouldn't be happy abt this, but this is the way it has to be
When they say :
2. I can't believe you're being so selfish. This isn't like you. You're only thinking of yourself. You never think abt my feelings
You say :
2. You're entitled to your opinion
When they say :
3. I really thought you were different than the other woman/manI've been with. I guess I was wrong
You say :
I'm sure that's how it looks to you.
Emotional Blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which someone, who is often close to us, makes an attempt to get what they want from us or to get us to behave in a certain way through FOG (Fear, Obligation, and/or Guilt). Our parents, loved ones i.e. significant other, close friends, often use this technique because they know our strengths, as well as our weaknesses. It is precisely because they know us so well and know our vulnerabilities that they use emotional blackmail to get what they want us to do. Emotional blackmail involves the blackmailer making some type of demand to the recepient and posing a threat to get compliance from the recepient. Emotional blackmailer puts pressure and often will not take 'no' for an answer.
As a child, we are susceptible to emotional blackmail by our parents. When we are around our friends, siblings, those whom we least suspect would utilize such a technique in order to get what they want, we are susceptile to emotinal blackmail. Therefore, it is important to properly identify it, so that we are able to handle it when these situations arise.
I've heard parents say to their kids : 'I've done so much for you, this is the least you can do for me...' This is a prime example of emotional blackmail. It places a guilt trip onto the child, so that the child will respond to his/her parents favorably out of obligation, not free will. I've heard a loved one say to his/her partner : 'I'm giving you all of this and this is what I get in return?' Again, this will likely get someone to comply to a demand; however, it is compliance through fear. Fear of losing our loved one's acceptance and/or fear of disapproval by our loved one. In the emotional blackmailers' world, fair play ceased to exist, respecting anyone's feelings does not count. It is all about what the blackmailer wants. People often respond : '... well, our parents and loved ones have good intentions at heart; and therefore, they encourage us to do all these things because they know what's best for us..' There is some truth to this, but of course boundaries must be set. At some point the parent must trust his or her growing child. Eventually, the parent must trust himself or herself first, that s(he) has raised the child to be a full-grown, mature, responsible adult who is able to make reasonable decisions on his/her own, before they can trust the child. Many parents forget this all together.
In a relationship, there must be trust between two people, otherwise the relationship becomes dysfunctional. When there are unrealistic expectations and excessive demands in any relationship, parent-child, couple, etc., they place a huge burden in that relationship that in the end, it may compromise the health of that relationship. In the emotional blackmailers' world, no boundaries are set and no trust exists. In a relationship, we must first identify our needs and wants. These may be similar to our partner's or they may differ because we are unique individuals, or they can be a combination of both. Once these needs and wants are identified, we strive to obtain them to the best of our abilities, which will hopefully lead to personal fulfillment for each party. Personal fulfillment will greatly contribute to a satisfying relationship for both in the end. In the emotional blackmailers' world, our needs and wants are being discounted or all together dismissed. What matters is only what the blackmailer wants. That is all that counts.
Sometimes blackmailers will threaten to end an existing relationship. They may even say that they'll hurt themselves or that they'll suffer from depression if they don't get what they want. After a while and if this continues on, we fall into a pattern of letting them control our behavior and decisions, which in essence is their goal. And we may not realize this until it is too late. Like many emotional-related disorders, what I have seen happened to victims of emotional blackmail is that, they pass this dysfunction onto their kids, and the kids onto the next generation, and so on and so forth. They do not know how to function otherwise in their lives. Kids do things only to satisfy their parents without considering their needs and wants in life.
How do you break this cycle?
Stand on your grounds and be assertive about issues. Address those issues and communicate them with respect. In other words, take control and take the upper hand. Do not let them dictate and manipulate you into saying things that you would not have said otherwise, had it not been because you feel sorry for them. Remember it is a tactic for them to make you feel bad so that you fall into their trap of emotional blackmail.
Below are few examples I got from an article :
When they say :
1. How could you do this to me (after all i've done for you)
You say :
1. I knew you wouldn't be happy abt this, but this is the way it has to be
When they say :
2. I can't believe you're being so selfish. This isn't like you. You're only thinking of yourself. You never think abt my feelings
You say :
2. You're entitled to your opinion
When they say :
3. I really thought you were different than the other woman/manI've been with. I guess I was wrong
You say :
I'm sure that's how it looks to you.
Monday, December 18, 2006
DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT YOUR MASK
This post initially started out as a response to Tasia's comment from my post : 'Men Don't Want Funny Women'. It is a long reply, so I thought I'll just make it into a post while going into another issue, too...
Iyaaa yah gurl I kinda think that in Indo, cewe lebih harus jaga diri.. ja-im rite? I mean not only cewe, but everyone I guess. We are less inclined to fully express ourselves, especially when it comes to displaying strong emotions, such as anger. In happy times, there are expected ways we may express them as well; otherwise, if we go overboard, we are labeled as 'norak'. We are expected to be unemotional, undemonstrative, cold. Or, we'll be ridiculed. So we constantly have to put on an imaginary mask to live and survive on a daily basis. Our best friend is our mask. Don't leave home without it. Just like your american express card. If we leave our mask behind, we are not accepted in the society. We may become an outcast. Not only that, we are unable to function without our mask because we have gotten so comfortable wearing it every day that we would not know how to operate without it. So, it's much easier to put on a mask than to face every day struggles. But, are we happy walking around with this mask on?
Happiness is not an immediate goal for everyone. I am sure that everyone inherently wants to be happy and content. What's more important to some people, rather than happiness itself, is acceptance and approval from our family and friends. And sometimes, being accepted and approved of by society brings one happiness, which means that their happiness is contingent upon other things and certain conditions in life. I believe that happiness comes from within. You can feel the energy of someone who is trully content at heart, versus those who only appears to be happy on the outside.
And those who have a mask on may not even realize that they have it on. It's a protective shield that will allow them to feel safe when facing the world. Most people do not deliberately choose to walk around with a mask. It's just automatic. It's something they've had on since the beginning of time that it's become part of their identity. For others who have adopted and realized they've gotten a mask, it is utilized to save their sanity while they are living on earth. We all need that sense of beloging and if having a mask increases our ability with identifying with our friends/families, then we can't help but let the mask be our best friend. One thing we are compromising, though, is our integrity. Integrity has to do with our morals and ethics, and how we handle the world shows a lot about our integrity. But I've seen people compromise their integrity and surviving day in day out. It's exhausting; however, it's the only way they know how to live their lives. I guess it has to do with survival of the fittest.
And if one is struggling every day just trying to survive, survival itself becomes a primary goal. Who has time to think about happiness? Happiness becomes secondary and who can blame them? Hopefully, if one cannot reach happiness within this lifetime, they will find it in their next life.
Iyaaa yah gurl I kinda think that in Indo, cewe lebih harus jaga diri.. ja-im rite? I mean not only cewe, but everyone I guess. We are less inclined to fully express ourselves, especially when it comes to displaying strong emotions, such as anger. In happy times, there are expected ways we may express them as well; otherwise, if we go overboard, we are labeled as 'norak'. We are expected to be unemotional, undemonstrative, cold. Or, we'll be ridiculed. So we constantly have to put on an imaginary mask to live and survive on a daily basis. Our best friend is our mask. Don't leave home without it. Just like your american express card. If we leave our mask behind, we are not accepted in the society. We may become an outcast. Not only that, we are unable to function without our mask because we have gotten so comfortable wearing it every day that we would not know how to operate without it. So, it's much easier to put on a mask than to face every day struggles. But, are we happy walking around with this mask on?
Happiness is not an immediate goal for everyone. I am sure that everyone inherently wants to be happy and content. What's more important to some people, rather than happiness itself, is acceptance and approval from our family and friends. And sometimes, being accepted and approved of by society brings one happiness, which means that their happiness is contingent upon other things and certain conditions in life. I believe that happiness comes from within. You can feel the energy of someone who is trully content at heart, versus those who only appears to be happy on the outside.
And those who have a mask on may not even realize that they have it on. It's a protective shield that will allow them to feel safe when facing the world. Most people do not deliberately choose to walk around with a mask. It's just automatic. It's something they've had on since the beginning of time that it's become part of their identity. For others who have adopted and realized they've gotten a mask, it is utilized to save their sanity while they are living on earth. We all need that sense of beloging and if having a mask increases our ability with identifying with our friends/families, then we can't help but let the mask be our best friend. One thing we are compromising, though, is our integrity. Integrity has to do with our morals and ethics, and how we handle the world shows a lot about our integrity. But I've seen people compromise their integrity and surviving day in day out. It's exhausting; however, it's the only way they know how to live their lives. I guess it has to do with survival of the fittest.
And if one is struggling every day just trying to survive, survival itself becomes a primary goal. Who has time to think about happiness? Happiness becomes secondary and who can blame them? Hopefully, if one cannot reach happiness within this lifetime, they will find it in their next life.
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