CAN GUYS AND GIRLS BE JUST FRIENDS?

By Mike Hardcastle

A closer look at opposite sex friendships.

Depending on whom you ask the answers to this age-old question range from “absolutely” to “absolutely not” and the fact of the matter is that there is no universal truth on this one. In some cases guys and girls can be the best of friends but in other cases any truly platonic relationship is virtually impossible. It all depends on how the friendship started, whether or not there is a physical attraction involved be it one sided or mutual, and on the personalities of the individuals. There really is no good reason why members of the opposite sex can’t have important and close friendships with one another and the objections of those who think it is impossible stem mostly from a crude cultural belief that all men want any woman they can get their hands on and that they view each and every woman as sexual objects first and real people second.

This is just plain stupid and does a disservice to males and females. While there are situations where physical attraction is a factor to contend with it rarely is so overwhelming that it makes a friendship impossible and when it does happen that physical attraction or lust gets in the way of being friends it isn’t always the guy who is struggling with those feelings. Yes, girls do lust after guys as much as guys lust after girls. It is not something that is exclusive to the male half of the species. Whether or not that lust stifles a budding friendship or destroys an existing one is entirely dependent on the person having the feelings. So bottom line, yes guys and girls can be friends if they really want to be friends. It only gets complicated if there is physical attraction involved and then only if the people involved don’t deal with it properly. What is the proper way to deal with this complication? You have to be up front about things. If you feel an attraction you have to let your friend know and be prepared for an answer you won’t want to hear. You must also be prepared to work through your feelings and make the friendship a priority over your broken dreams of romance. If you are the person being admired you must be prepared to be honest in your rejection, to make it clear you only want a friendship and to show that you mean it by sticking it out through the difficult post-declaration adjustment period. After that a friendship can definitely bloom.

There are some simple rules to make a boy-girl friendship a success:

Don’t cross the line of friendship EVER without realizing it may be a point of no return.

If you know your friend harbors deeper emotions toward you you must NEVER take advantage of those feelings to control your friend or get him/her to do what you want.

NEVER give in to physical attractions without knowing that it could change the friendship forever and in an irreversible way.

Respect that you will have different perspectives on important things because hey, you experience the world culture from two opposing realities.

Know that there will always be people who scoff at the validity of opposite-sex friendships and that they are the ones losing out, not you.


MY PERSONAL TAKE ON THIS IS :

Yes, guys and girls can have strictly platonic friendship. But I have also observed many instances in which two friends of opposite sex become friends due to physical attraction, first, and true friendship, second. Depending on the personalities of the people involved it may be easy to overcome the attraction and become strictly just friends, or it may be a challenge for either or both to overcome the attraction. What makes it more complex is that sometimes the party involved does not realize how intense the attraction is or that they underestimate it. Unwanted deep-seated emotional attachment which is not being reciprocated may result, which leads to a lot of heartache. This can mean long term resentments in the end.

When there is strong attraction between two people, space and time apart need to be allowed. Any kinds of emotions including anger, sadness, happiness, joy, feelings involving attraction are neither right or wrong. These are natural human emotions. When such situation arises, then the reasonable thing to do is to try to minimize the risk of hurt in the end. Though sometimes people cannot help it, because the saying 'love is blind' is sometimes true.

Since attraction often comes with attention and sometimes affection, some do not want to risk losing them. Consequently, either party or both may become hesitant to take steps to withdraw from this situation. To maintain friendship solely based on attraction and make it a point so that one does not lose attention and/or affection from the other person makes the friendship itself less valid. In this game, one realizes there is some sort of attraction from him/her toward the other person and/or vice versa, but no one is willing to take a step back to allow time apart for 'cooling off' period because 'cooling off' period means risk of losing attention and/or affection as the attraction may no longer be there or may become less intense. In this case, unknowingly or not, they have opted to not work through their true feelings and this will likely jeopardize friendship because they have made a choice to not make true friendship a top priority. Awkwardness, sabotage, jealousy, competition may follow.

Sometimes temporary time off from each other becomes a necessary avenue. It is more honorable for one to make a conscious choice to withdraw for some time even with the knowledge that there is a risk of losing friendship alltogether in the end, than to maintain a friendship and knowing that this may cause heartache. And it is definitely far more rewarding if one is upfront about things in the beginning and that after they have worked out their feelings, they maintain that true friendship.

EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL

Mario's latest post : 'Parenting' influenced me to write this blog : Emotional Blackmail since it also has to do with our loved ones.

Emotional Blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which someone, who is often close to us, makes an attempt to get what they want from us or to get us to behave in a certain way through FOG (Fear, Obligation, and/or Guilt). Our parents, loved ones i.e. significant other, close friends, often use this technique because they know our strengths, as well as our weaknesses. It is precisely because they know us so well and know our vulnerabilities that they use emotional blackmail to get what they want us to do. Emotional blackmail involves the blackmailer making some type of demand to the recepient and posing a threat to get compliance from the recepient. Emotional blackmailer puts pressure and often will not take 'no' for an answer.

As a child, we are susceptible to emotional blackmail by our parents. When we are around our friends, siblings, those whom we least suspect would utilize such a technique in order to get what they want, we are susceptile to emotinal blackmail. Therefore, it is important to properly identify it, so that we are able to handle it when these situations arise.

I've heard parents say to their kids : 'I've done so much for you, this is the least you can do for me...' This is a prime example of emotional blackmail. It places a guilt trip onto the child, so that the child will respond to his/her parents favorably out of obligation, not free will. I've heard a loved one say to his/her partner : 'I'm giving you all of this and this is what I get in return?' Again, this will likely get someone to comply to a demand; however, it is compliance through fear. Fear of losing our loved one's acceptance and/or fear of disapproval by our loved one. In the emotional blackmailers' world, fair play ceased to exist, respecting anyone's feelings does not count. It is all about what the blackmailer wants. People often respond : '... well, our parents and loved ones have good intentions at heart; and therefore, they encourage us to do all these things because they know what's best for us..' There is some truth to this, but of course boundaries must be set. At some point the parent must trust his or her growing child. Eventually, the parent must trust himself or herself first, that s(he) has raised the child to be a full-grown, mature, responsible adult who is able to make reasonable decisions on his/her own, before they can trust the child. Many parents forget this all together.

In a relationship, there must be trust between two people, otherwise the relationship becomes dysfunctional. When there are unrealistic expectations and excessive demands in any relationship, parent-child, couple, etc., they place a huge burden in that relationship that in the end, it may compromise the health of that relationship. In the emotional blackmailers' world, no boundaries are set and no trust exists. In a relationship, we must first identify our needs and wants. These may be similar to our partner's or they may differ because we are unique individuals, or they can be a combination of both. Once these needs and wants are identified, we strive to obtain them to the best of our abilities, which will hopefully lead to personal fulfillment for each party. Personal fulfillment will greatly contribute to a satisfying relationship for both in the end. In the emotional blackmailers' world, our needs and wants are being discounted or all together dismissed. What matters is only what the blackmailer wants. That is all that counts.

Sometimes blackmailers will threaten to end an existing relationship. They may even say that they'll hurt themselves or that they'll suffer from depression if they don't get what they want. After a while and if this continues on, we fall into a pattern of letting them control our behavior and decisions, which in essence is their goal. And we may not realize this until it is too late. Like many emotional-related disorders, what I have seen happened to victims of emotional blackmail is that, they pass this dysfunction onto their kids, and the kids onto the next generation, and so on and so forth. They do not know how to function otherwise in their lives. Kids do things only to satisfy their parents without considering their needs and wants in life.

How do you break this cycle?
Stand on your grounds and be assertive about issues. Address those issues and communicate them with respect. In other words, take control and take the upper hand. Do not let them dictate and manipulate you into saying things that you would not have said otherwise, had it not been because you feel sorry for them. Remember it is a tactic for them to make you feel bad so that you fall into their trap of emotional blackmail.

Below are few examples I got from an article :

When they say :
1. How could you do this to me (after all i've done for you)
You say :
1. I knew you wouldn't be happy abt this, but this is the way it has to be
When they say :
2. I can't believe you're being so selfish. This isn't like you. You're only thinking of yourself. You never think abt my feelings
You say :
2. You're entitled to your opinion
When they say :
3. I really thought you were different than the other woman/manI've been with. I guess I was wrong
You say :
I'm sure that's how it looks to you.

DON'T LEAVE HOME WITHOUT YOUR MASK

This post initially started out as a response to Tasia's comment from my post : 'Men Don't Want Funny Women'. It is a long reply, so I thought I'll just make it into a post while going into another issue, too...

Iyaaa yah gurl I kinda think that in Indo, cewe lebih harus jaga diri.. ja-im rite? I mean not only cewe, but everyone I guess. We are less inclined to fully express ourselves, especially when it comes to displaying strong emotions, such as anger. In happy times, there are expected ways we may express them as well; otherwise, if we go overboard, we are labeled as 'norak'. We are expected to be unemotional, undemonstrative, cold. Or, we'll be ridiculed. So we constantly have to put on an imaginary mask to live and survive on a daily basis. Our best friend is our mask. Don't leave home without it. Just like your american express card. If we leave our mask behind, we are not accepted in the society. We may become an outcast. Not only that, we are unable to function without our mask because we have gotten so comfortable wearing it every day that we would not know how to operate without it. So, it's much easier to put on a mask than to face every day struggles. But, are we happy walking around with this mask on?

Happiness is not an immediate goal for everyone. I am sure that everyone inherently wants to be happy and content. What's more important to some people, rather than happiness itself, is acceptance and approval from our family and friends. And sometimes, being accepted and approved of by society brings one happiness, which means that their happiness is contingent upon other things and certain conditions in life. I believe that happiness comes from within. You can feel the energy of someone who is trully content at heart, versus those who only appears to be happy on the outside.

And those who have a mask on may not even realize that they have it on. It's a protective shield that will allow them to feel safe when facing the world. Most people do not deliberately choose to walk around with a mask. It's just automatic. It's something they've had on since the beginning of time that it's become part of their identity. For others who have adopted and realized they've gotten a mask, it is utilized to save their sanity while they are living on earth. We all need that sense of beloging and if having a mask increases our ability with identifying with our friends/families, then we can't help but let the mask be our best friend. One thing we are compromising, though, is our integrity. Integrity has to do with our morals and ethics, and how we handle the world shows a lot about our integrity. But I've seen people compromise their integrity and surviving day in day out. It's exhausting; however, it's the only way they know how to live their lives. I guess it has to do with survival of the fittest.

And if one is struggling every day just trying to survive, survival itself becomes a primary goal. Who has time to think about happiness? Happiness becomes secondary and who can blame them? Hopefully, if one cannot reach happiness within this lifetime, they will find it in their next life.

MEN DON'T WANT FUNNY WOMEN

Men don't want funny women

Reuters

Women value a good sense of humour in a potential male partner, even if his jokes are crass. But men don't rate humour so highly in women, new research shows
It's a trait often requested in lonely hearts ads and scientists have now shown that a good sense of humour is important for women, but not men, in choosing a romantic partner.

A woman is even willing to overlook other shortcomings in a man if he can make her laugh, North American researchers say in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior.

"Our results suggest that humour can positively affect desirability as a relationship partner but this effect is most likely to occur when men use humour and are evaluated by women," says Dr Eric Bressler, an assistant professor at Westfield State College in Massachusetts.

Bressler and Canadian researcher Dr Sigal Balshine, an assistant professor at McMaster University in Ontario, demonstrated in an experiment that a good sense of humour, or GSOH as it appears in personal ads, does make a difference.

They showed groups of women pictures of two equally attractive men and presented autobiographical statements that were either funny or serious.

After reversing the experiment and showing groups of men photographs of two women, they asked both sexes to select who they would choose as a romantic partner.

The humorous people were seen as more socially adept but less trustworthy, honest and intelligent. Men did not select the funny person but women did.

"Women chose funny men as relationship partners despite often rating them as less honest and intelligent," the researchers say.

Funny men were preferred even if their humour was unsophisticated, the researchers add.










Actually, I don't know if men make it a point to avoid dating funny women. I often see that it's the men in the relationships who are witty. I think it is definitely an attractive trait because I've seen a lot of times where the gentleman would not have gotten together with a girl if it was not for him being funny.

I do think we ladies LOVE ENTERTAINMENT!!<:-D I know I do!:D... Yeah, there's a lot of truth that witty guys get more girls. Ladies are already overwhelmed with handling DRAMA in our lives, so we need HUMOR from the guys to offset it.

MIXED SIGNALS

This is such a wonderful article! It gives an understanding about both sexes :

1. From an evolutionary standpoint, it explains why a man often gets caught up in a self flattering mode (In Indonesian : GR) when a woman is simply 'being friendly or nice' to him. Additionally, I find that the more male-emotionally-oriented a man is, the higher the tendency for him to overestimate a woman's interest as sexual come-on. Males who are more female-emotionally-oriented tend to make less assumptions on or do not perceive women's overt friendly gestures as sexual come-on.

I also see a higher tendency of the more female-emotionally-oriented guys to have more female friends and that they tend to be able to relate to women better than their counterpart. But that can also have to do with comfort and familiarity when interacting with the opposite sex.

2. It explains why a woman is skeptical when a man talks about commitment in a relationship. Being in a relationship is a lifestyle preference and I find that women who choose to be in a relationship prefer long-term, full commitment relationship over short-period non-commitment dating. And sometimes, guys will say and/or do anything to impress a woman to go to bed with him. Therefore, by being skeptics, women have developed a defense mechanism.




Read on peeps and lemme know what you think!<:-D
Mixed Signals
How men and women misjudge sexual signals. And why men overestimate women's interest. By: Peter Rebhahn


Men often misinterpret a woman's innocent smile or compliment as a sexual come-on—but why? Gender stereotypes imply that men are socialized to oversexualize the world. But research suggests there are real evolutionary reasons that men and women get their signals crossed.
In two studies reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Martie G. Haselton, Ph.D., and David M. Buss, Ph.D., both University of Texas-Austin psychology professors, asked over 500 college students to picture themselves on a date. The students then used imagined acts like holding hands or giving compliments to rate their companion's and their own sexual interest and level of commitment.

The researchers discovered that men tended to overestimate women's sexual interest, while women underestimated men's willingness to commit. But interestingly enough, both men and women were more accurate in rating women's commitment levels, and when asked to imagine that the sexual target was their sister, men rarely misread sexual intent.

So why do men and women misjudge only certain cross-sex signals? They're adaptive biases, say the researchers. According to the theory of natural selection—in which only the fittest survive—males who falsely inferred a woman's sexual interest stood to gain descendants, and lost little if the woman was a suitable mate. "For ancestral men, it was more costly to miss a reproductive opportunity" than to face rejection, Haselton explains. But females who were abandoned after consenting to sex suffered far greater consequences: pregnancy, reduction in mate value and having to raise a child alone. "For women, it was more costly to be deceived by men, so selection favored skeptical women," he says, leading to their continued skepticism about men's willingness to commit.

Buss, who explores jealousy in his book, The Dangerous Passion: Why Jealousy Is as Necessary as Love and Sex (Simon & Schuster, Inc.), suggests scientists rethink the notion that human psychological mechanisms are always designed to be logical. "We're arguing that they're designed to be biased," he explains, particularly when it comes to issues of trust.

CAN'T BUY ME LOVE

Here is an interesting article for our lovely ladies & gents :

Can't Buy Me Love
Today's women are more likely to scrutinize the face of a potential mate, not his wallet.
By:Sondra Wolfer

When it comes to attracting women, men may want to invest in a gym membership rather than bank on their bank account.
As more women become financially independent, they are less likely to seek mates with wealth and are more interested in good looks, according to research in the journal Evolution and Human Behavior.
"When women can control resources independently, they can afford to have preferences more typical of males, to go for things like physical attractiveness and youthfulness," says Fhionna Moore, a researcher at the University of St Andrews in the U.K.
Moore found the change in preferences was linked to a woman's level of financial independence rather than to her absolute earning power.
Fellas seem to be getting the message, if the recent proliferation of men's fashion and fitness magazines is any sign. Says Moore: "All the men I know now spend more time on their hair than I do."


What do you think abt this article ladies and fellas?


I think this article brings up some good points from the perspective of women who are relatively established and independent. It may not be true for those women who specialize in dating 'wealthy' men. Physical appearance may not be significant at all for them.


Let's be realistic here. When we see an opposite sex and we are physically attracted to him or her, it's first and foremost due to his or her looks or physical appearance. This is not to say that character is not important. And people do fall in love with someone when they get to know one another and have spent some time together, not necessarily due to 'love at first sight'. But for the sake of this article we are talking about those women who have the luxury to choose physical appearance as top priority when dating. Some may say it's so shallow to just care about someone's looks. But looks involve more than just the actual physical appearance on the surface. It gives us an insight about their hygiene/grooming habits, some preference of style, etc. Sometimes it gives us a sense of their lifestyle to a certain extent. It is an introduction about someone and it is what draws our interest to get to know them further. Then as we get to know them better and as we take an interest about their character, they become either less or more attractive to us. To women who are relatively established and somewhat independent, it's understandable that they want someone who is more than just established. These women already have that covered. So they want to move beyond the basics of whether or not a man can provide them with financial security. Compatibility between two people becomes most crucial in this case.

And yes my past observations have supported this article. I see my male friends hitting the gym when a woman comes into the picture :D Those who do not normally or regularly go to the gym become gym-regular out of the blue. They change clothes, do their hair and become Mr. Vain and Mr. SmellGood!<:-D And i'd be like who's your the girl now????<:-D

But I'd say it's all good...We ladies like to see guys who take care of themselves too... Keep up the good work fellas!


Much love,
Ria:D