Mario's latest post : 'Parenting' influenced me to write this blog : Emotional Blackmail since it also has to do with our loved ones.
Emotional Blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which someone, who is often close to us, makes an attempt to get what they want from us or to get us to behave in a certain way through FOG (Fear, Obligation, and/or Guilt). Our parents, loved ones i.e. significant other, close friends, often use this technique because they know our strengths, as well as our weaknesses. It is precisely because they know us so well and know our vulnerabilities that they use emotional blackmail to get what they want us to do. Emotional blackmail involves the blackmailer making some type of demand to the recepient and posing a threat to get compliance from the recepient. Emotional blackmailer puts pressure and often will not take 'no' for an answer.
As a child, we are susceptible to emotional blackmail by our parents. When we are around our friends, siblings, those whom we least suspect would utilize such a technique in order to get what they want, we are susceptile to emotinal blackmail. Therefore, it is important to properly identify it, so that we are able to handle it when these situations arise.
I've heard parents say to their kids : 'I've done so much for you, this is the least you can do for me...' This is a prime example of emotional blackmail. It places a guilt trip onto the child, so that the child will respond to his/her parents favorably out of obligation, not free will. I've heard a loved one say to his/her partner : 'I'm giving you all of this and this is what I get in return?' Again, this will likely get someone to comply to a demand; however, it is compliance through fear. Fear of losing our loved one's acceptance and/or fear of disapproval by our loved one. In the emotional blackmailers' world, fair play ceased to exist, respecting anyone's feelings does not count. It is all about what the blackmailer wants. People often respond : '... well, our parents and loved ones have good intentions at heart; and therefore, they encourage us to do all these things because they know what's best for us..' There is some truth to this, but of course boundaries must be set. At some point the parent must trust his or her growing child. Eventually, the parent must trust himself or herself first, that s(he) has raised the child to be a full-grown, mature, responsible adult who is able to make reasonable decisions on his/her own, before they can trust the child. Many parents forget this all together.
In a relationship, there must be trust between two people, otherwise the relationship becomes dysfunctional. When there are unrealistic expectations and excessive demands in any relationship, parent-child, couple, etc., they place a huge burden in that relationship that in the end, it may compromise the health of that relationship. In the emotional blackmailers' world, no boundaries are set and no trust exists. In a relationship, we must first identify our needs and wants. These may be similar to our partner's or they may differ because we are unique individuals, or they can be a combination of both. Once these needs and wants are identified, we strive to obtain them to the best of our abilities, which will hopefully lead to personal fulfillment for each party. Personal fulfillment will greatly contribute to a satisfying relationship for both in the end. In the emotional blackmailers' world, our needs and wants are being discounted or all together dismissed. What matters is only what the blackmailer wants. That is all that counts.
Sometimes blackmailers will threaten to end an existing relationship. They may even say that they'll hurt themselves or that they'll suffer from depression if they don't get what they want. After a while and if this continues on, we fall into a pattern of letting them control our behavior and decisions, which in essence is their goal. And we may not realize this until it is too late. Like many emotional-related disorders, what I have seen happened to victims of emotional blackmail is that, they pass this dysfunction onto their kids, and the kids onto the next generation, and so on and so forth. They do not know how to function otherwise in their lives. Kids do things only to satisfy their parents without considering their needs and wants in life.
How do you break this cycle?
Stand on your grounds and be assertive about issues. Address those issues and communicate them with respect. In other words, take control and take the upper hand. Do not let them dictate and manipulate you into saying things that you would not have said otherwise, had it not been because you feel sorry for them. Remember it is a tactic for them to make you feel bad so that you fall into their trap of emotional blackmail.
Below are few examples I got from an article :
When they say :
1. How could you do this to me (after all i've done for you)
You say :
1. I knew you wouldn't be happy abt this, but this is the way it has to be
When they say :
2. I can't believe you're being so selfish. This isn't like you. You're only thinking of yourself. You never think abt my feelings
You say :
2. You're entitled to your opinion
When they say :
3. I really thought you were different than the other woman/manI've been with. I guess I was wrong
You say :
I'm sure that's how it looks to you.
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5 comments:
Continuing question and answer to help men to maintain the relationship and avoid emotional blackmail
if women say:
1. Do I look fat?
this is the most common trick question. You should answer: <nothing>
2. Should I wear make up for the party?
answer: this is another trick question. If you say yes, then she could ask why is she not pretty enough without the make up. If you say no, she'll ask why we don't care enough for her to wear the make up. You should again say: <nothing>
3. Did you just check out that girl?
if you say yes, you'll get slapped. if you say no, she'll think you're gay/blind. You should answer: I'm craving a dessert. Let's go to <whatever her favorite dessert restaurant>
Hope that helps. If not, maybe that explains why I'm still single... :P
:D:D:D:D:D Those are funny examples!<:-D
Men and women have different emotional needs. Your examples show how women need to be supported emotionally.
On the first 2 examples, she needs reassurance that she is loved. Men think that once you say to us one time that you love us, that it is enough. It is an ongoing process, however. Women need affirmations that we are always being loved. It needs to be communicated over and over again. Depending on the situation, what it comes down to, sometimes, is for men to read between the lines. Not every questions asked are literal. They can be rhetorical questions and that all she needs is reassurance from the man that she is okay and she is loved the way she is.
On number 3 the woman needs to be reassured that she is still your number one. When two people are in a relationship, it does not follow that the rest of the people in this world become ugly as sin. There are still plenty of attractive people around us. There needs to be an understanding between the two that acknowledgments of such is healthy. That if we find an opposite sex as attractive, they are not perceived as a threat to our partner nor that such a statement serve as a reflection of how we feel towards our partner. As long as it is communicated with respect and in a non-distasteful manner, such statements need not be taken personally. This means that if our partner sees an opposite sex walks by and thinks and then expresses the fact that s(he) is attractive, his/her statement has nothing to do with us or how we are/appear at the moment. S(he) is just sharing what is in his/her mind and is not trying to compare notes with us of how we look at that moment. It is those who APPEAR to have no opinions at all that worry me. These people make me wonder what goes through their minds. They may be in denial. Or they may be suppressing any feelings they may have underneath the surface. Who are we fooling here??!
Attraction between opposite sex is natural and will always be there whether or not we are in a relationship; and how we handle it is what is most important. If we are in a relationship and we are in denial that we are attracted to someone other than our partner, this can lead to an affair. It is crucial for us to acknowledge our feelings and whatever attraction we may have towards the other person so that we can take steps to prevent anything further from developing. If we are single and we are attracted towards an opposite sex, we need to acknowledge this so then we can take steps to either pursue this interest or not. There is a difference between true, genuine friendship versus friendship based on attraction. I will make this into another blog.
In the instance of the parent reminding the child of how much he/she has done, is it not a legitimate obligation that is being enforced? Are there not obligations and loyalties that a rebellious child (or spouse or colleague) ought to be reminded of if you have invested in that person?
@Phileo
Your response concerns me. In a healthy marital relationship, there is no such thing as a "rebellious spouse". Rather, there are two partners living equally and functioning as a team. No one partner should have more control or power; therefore there should be no one to rebel against.
In terms of a parent/child relationship, while there may be family loyalties and responsibilities in play, the actions of the child must come from their own free will and choice. Using guilt and reminders of "all the parent has given the child" is manipulative and often drives the child further away, rendering them less likely to want to fulfill any family obligations. If a healthy parent-child relationship is built based on mutual respect and understanding, hopefully both parties can feel like their needs are being met and there will be no need for guilt or manipulation.
I know this is old but I wanted to say I lost trust in you when i saw your views on men and women having different emotional needs and then listed needs that we both have as women's only.
the belief that you need more love and encouragement based on having a vagina is the most disgusting thing i have ever heard...
men are raised not to acknowledge that side of their needs...that doesn't mean we don't have it and it doesnt mean we dont hurt or fear the same things you do in silence. sometimes after enough supression guys dont notice it other times it is there and they just hide it and the last group acts cocky to compensate.
that last group is the best to look at because it has become the group the feminists use to describe typical male. its funny because if they taught us we were the same in emotional needs you would see less men acting like that and there would be less of a need to tear down all men.
its kind of a sick joke that so many women who fight to redefine female as wide open fall back on such traditional views of male.
a friend of mine shared views like you and is now becoming a woman via hormones and surgery. as i see it:
he was emotionally neglected by distant parents and grew up with 6 sisters... sisters shared that "girl only" bond with each other and sometimes mom. society says the same thing... how do you get your emotional needs met? cut off your penis! this doesnt apply for all trans people!
you want me to consider you an equal? start by considering me one and stop pushing bs that allows girls to get away with horribly narcissistic traits while blaming the males for everything.
there are a lot of sexist male pigs but the way i see it going, the female pigs have began to outnumber the male pigs.
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