Men Talk -- Women Talk
But Do They Talk Together?Where is your relationship?
Don't let gender misunderstandings hurt your relationship.
By Pat McChristie
Men and women talk. But do they talk together and do they talk about things that are interesting to their mate/partner? Another gender misunderstanding that can hurt relationships.
When men get together, they rarely, if ever, talk about their feelings or inner thoughts.
Rather, they talk about practical matters, like their latest computer update, how to repair their car, or even business.
Talk might move to the best place to find fish or women, jump to computer games, then continue to the Cowboys or the sport of the season.
They also like to exchange jokes and anecdotes and spend a fair amount of time playing one-up and boasting.
Men rarely call each other to chat and be brought up to date.
When man meets woman, he usually wants to make a good impression. Many single men try hard to carry on witty, fun, and pleasant conversations. They use conversation to discover her interests and feelings in order to learn how to be attractive to her.
Some men, either out of nervousness or ignorance, spend most of the time talking about themselves, often appearing to brag about their achievements or talk incessantly about their problems or work. But regardless of the subject matter, even the quietest man talks to his woman when love is new.
When women get together, they talk about feelings and relationships, their work, and their family. They enjoy talking but also want the give and take of talk, then listen.
Women often call each other to keep up to date. Conversing is an important part of most female's lives.
As relationships progress, however, many a man turns on the television and forgets how to converse. This raises a hue and cry from his female partner who says, "You never talk to me anymore."
Some men start talking. Many, however, primarily discuss their own achievements and problems or even revert to their male buddy kind of talk.
When the woman starts talking about her favorite subjects: feelings, family, relationships, friends, her work, many men lose interest or bring the conversation back to themselves.
Pretty soon, the man is back to staring at the television each night, wondering where his relationship went, or too dense to know it is dying. The woman is talking to her friends, mom, sister, or neighbor, often about that very relationship and how she is hurting.
Where is your relationship? Don't let gender misunderstandings hurt your relationship
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
MY COMMENT ON 'WHY MEN DON'T TALK LIKE WOMEN DO'
Communication Communication Communication!!
Effective, supportive communication plays the most crucial role in any relationship. It is often a foreign concept for men to communicate about their feelings. The world we live in do not support men showing and verbally expressing their feelings and vulnerabilities and dealing with them in the open. Society have trained men in general to be strong, tough, unemotional. Consequently, we have men who are not able to deal with their feelings and those of others'. Unlike women who have traditionally been expected to hold the nurturing and supporting roles, men have been conditioned to focus on independence and autonomy, disregarding their emotions. So much so that many men become ineffective and feel uncomfortable when it comes to making emotional connection in their relationships through communication.
Men are mostly goal-oriented if and when communication is to take place. Women, on the other hand, do not necessarily seek solutions to their problems. Women communicate to make an emotional connection by sometimes talking about and sharing their feelings/problems/issues.
In the end, women have to step up to the plate and understand men and their behaviors and what they entail because we literally speak two different languages. John Gray was not just speaking figuratively when he said 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus'. He was being literal about it from the fact that we speak one language, but that we attach different meanings to the things we say to each other. Most 'manly' men are reluctant to pick up those self-improvement/self-help books. They live by 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' rule. Women, on the other hand, tend to always want to improve for the better. We end up having to read these books, make appts to see a therapist/relationship expert to help our relationships, talk to our girlfriends about issues we are having in our relationships. Then when we return to our men, we have to wait for them until they are ready to listen and be receptive enough for a relationship discussion, which to some men, it is that dreaded 'feelings' discussion all over again. So, sometimes it seems like it is a 'lose-lose' situation women go through. Our downfall is precisely our very attraction towards the so-called opposite sex creatures namely 'men'. And it goes both ways too. I am certain that men are not free from having to deal with women and our issues. Neither of us can help ourselves with this life phenomenon called the 'opposite sex attraction'. It certainly causes both sides tremendous stress over our life-time. Hence, the saying : 'Can't live with them, can't live without them'. And that is part of the reason why I welcome the sight and the notion of same sex attraction and relationships. I see a light of hope at the end of the tunnel. Though same sex relationships is far from drama-free either. It's a whole different ball game there!
Effective, supportive communication plays the most crucial role in any relationship. It is often a foreign concept for men to communicate about their feelings. The world we live in do not support men showing and verbally expressing their feelings and vulnerabilities and dealing with them in the open. Society have trained men in general to be strong, tough, unemotional. Consequently, we have men who are not able to deal with their feelings and those of others'. Unlike women who have traditionally been expected to hold the nurturing and supporting roles, men have been conditioned to focus on independence and autonomy, disregarding their emotions. So much so that many men become ineffective and feel uncomfortable when it comes to making emotional connection in their relationships through communication.
Men are mostly goal-oriented if and when communication is to take place. Women, on the other hand, do not necessarily seek solutions to their problems. Women communicate to make an emotional connection by sometimes talking about and sharing their feelings/problems/issues.
In the end, women have to step up to the plate and understand men and their behaviors and what they entail because we literally speak two different languages. John Gray was not just speaking figuratively when he said 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus'. He was being literal about it from the fact that we speak one language, but that we attach different meanings to the things we say to each other. Most 'manly' men are reluctant to pick up those self-improvement/self-help books. They live by 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' rule. Women, on the other hand, tend to always want to improve for the better. We end up having to read these books, make appts to see a therapist/relationship expert to help our relationships, talk to our girlfriends about issues we are having in our relationships. Then when we return to our men, we have to wait for them until they are ready to listen and be receptive enough for a relationship discussion, which to some men, it is that dreaded 'feelings' discussion all over again. So, sometimes it seems like it is a 'lose-lose' situation women go through. Our downfall is precisely our very attraction towards the so-called opposite sex creatures namely 'men'. And it goes both ways too. I am certain that men are not free from having to deal with women and our issues. Neither of us can help ourselves with this life phenomenon called the 'opposite sex attraction'. It certainly causes both sides tremendous stress over our life-time. Hence, the saying : 'Can't live with them, can't live without them'. And that is part of the reason why I welcome the sight and the notion of same sex attraction and relationships. I see a light of hope at the end of the tunnel. Though same sex relationships is far from drama-free either. It's a whole different ball game there!
WHY DON'T MEN TALK LIKE WOMEN DO
By David Zinczenko
Here's a great irony: Men, in general, are happy in their relationships. And yet women -- the very people responsible for making guys so happy -- spend a great deal of time fretting over whether their men want to stay in the relationship or are waiting to catch the next bus out of it. Indeed, women spend so much time fretting that they often ask men to talk more about ... gasp! ... their feelings. And the one thing that can make a contented guy discontented is being asked to talk about his feelings. It's like cooking up a great souffle, and then opening the oven to check on it -- and presto, the souffle goes flat.
It's not that you should never ask a man about his feelings. But it's all about technique: you need to coax him to that place where he can share; pushing him just makes him stubborn.
Don't use the f-word
The problem for a lot of guys is that talking feelings with a woman is like talking French with a native Parisian. No matter how hard we study, we'll never master the language with quite the same fluency. So you need to make things a little simpler for us.
From our end, we'd prefer that you don't directly ask about the "f-word" -- feelings.
Say the word feelings to a man and it's like clipping your toenails during a striptease
Say the word feelings to a man and it's like clipping your toenails during a striptease -- total turn-off. The reason? We have feelings, but we don't have the access to them that you do. So every conversation that's pointedly about our feelings seems to us like the last 15 minutes of "Law & Order," where we're the perp and you're the clever detective, poking a finger in our face and hinting that you know just a little more than we do. And you do know a little more than we do. You know how you feel. And we don't know how we feel. So if you want us to talk, then help us speak your language -- by speaking a little of ours.
The point: If you want us to answer questions about what we're feeling, then stop asking about how we're feeling. Instead, watch how we behave, and where our interests lie. And be open about your feelings. The more you show comfort in expressing yourself, the more he'll do the same.
How do I know where the relationship is going?
I feel like I've hit a snag in a relationship with my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other for a few months. Everything was really great in the beginning. Now, it seems like we've fallen into that typical relationship routine. We see each other during the week, rent a movie on Fridays, and usually have sex twice a week (once after the movie). He's nice to me and treats me well, but I'd like to get things back to where they were. He tells me everything's fine, assures me he cares about me, and tells me not to worry about it. But I still do because what he says is one thing but what happens week to week is another. Any idea what he's thinking?
Yeah. He's thinking exactly what he's saying, which is that everything's fine. "
Women think that not talking about the relationship means there are problems, but it's the opposite for men
Women think that not talking about the relationship means there are problems, but it's the opposite for men. If we're not talking about it, it means we're happy," says Conner, 32. So the real question is not "What's he thinking?" It's "What are you thinking?" If you're content with the relationship you've got, then relax and enjoy it. And if you want more, say so. "If a man loves a woman, he'll prove it with daily action not just words," says Jimmy, 27. Either he'll step up to the plate, or what he's giving now is all he's got -- and maybe you need to move on.
Why don't guys answer emotional questions?
I've got a good friend who recently left her husband. They have one child who's eight, and my friend and her ex are now in this bitter disagreement about custody, about money, about who gets to see the daughter when. When I told my husband about it, I asked him how he felt about it, because these are really serious issues, and I figured he'd have really serious thoughts on them. Instead, he just sat there, shrugged his shoulders, and said, "That sucks." Does the man have no feelings?
Of course he has feelings, and he told you what they were: He feels the situation sucks. Oh, but wait ... you were looking for something more. Here's the problem: You wanted him to tune into your concerns, but the signal you were sending was fuzzier than a pirate radio station. It's the old "feelings" conundrum again. If you want to ask him how he'd handle a custody issue, then ask him how he'd handle a custody issue. If you want to know if he thinks it's wrong for one partner to give up on a marriage, then ask him about that. But don't ask him about his feelings and expect him to surmise that your telling him a story about the neighbors is some Aesop's fable for your relationship. "We're simple. Please, no hints or assumptions," says D.J., 26. "Say what you mean, mean what you say. Don't make us guess as if we know what you are trying to say or feel."
D.J.'s a bit of a wishful thinker. Just as men like direct, problem A/solution B equations, women seem to take a more poetic and metaphorical approach to communication. That's why communication between the sexes is so much work. To men, dealing with hypotheticals is fun when we're talking about pennant races and the stock market, not when you're asking us to project how we'd feel about anything really serious, like a breakup or infidelity or pizza toppings. In that case, direct questions will get you the answers you want: let's stay together, I'll be faithful forever, and no anchovies, please.
Why can't a guy just plan out our future?
My husband and I have two kids, a boy and a girl, ages three and six. I'm tired of taking the pill, so I've tried talking to my husband about other options. Specifically, I asked him if he wanted more kids. (I could go either way.) And if he didn't, then we should talk about a vasectomy. But he can't decide whether he wants more children, and he doesn't seem too thrilled with the idea of getting the vasectomy. Why doesn't he just tell me what he wants so then we can come up with some kind of game plan?
Your question contains this interesting phrase: "I could go either way." It sounds like you and your husband are both comfortable in a pair of flip-flops. In our polls and surveys, we've asked men about the vasectomy issue. John, 41, has been talking about a vasectomy with his wife, but they're having trouble getting at the root of who really wants to do what. "Neither of us will come right out and say we're done having kids. She thinks me not signing right up for the operation somehow means that I have this evil master plan: that if I dump her, I'll be able to have kids with some 22-year-old bimbo. But I just don't want to get one, because neither of us have closed the door on having kids, and if she's up for it, I'm up for it."
The fact is that men hate admitting that they don't have a plan, and with complex issues like this, it's hard for a guy to decide, unilaterally, the rest of both your lives. He's going to flip and flop like a beached sea bass until he knows for certain. And then, one day, he's just going to announce his decision.I know, it's hard living with us. Just don't try living without us.
Masculinity mastered: what you now know about men
"Feelings" is our f-word. Bleep it out of your conversational repertoire. Try pointed questions like "What do you think about...."
We feel everything's okay when we're not talking about feelings. When we're talking about feelings, we feel everything's on the rocks.
Backed into a corner, we won't let you into our heads. Give us some space and we'll let you in.
Say this tonight!
The sexiest thing a woman ever said to Dale, 32: "What would you like for breakfast?"
The sexiest thing Tricia, 28, ever said to a man: "I wish I could have you."
Say this, not that!
Say this: "What do you think about that?"
Not: "How do you feel about that?"
Because: He knows how to answer the first question, but the second one makes him nervous.
Say this: "I wish I could say this in a way that makes more sense to you."
Not: "You don't understand me."
Because: Miscommunication is a two-way street.
Say this: "Let's go for a drive."
Not: "Let's sit down and talk."
Because: Men are less tense when they're doing something physical.
Say anything: Once
Not: Ten times
Because: To a guy, repetition makes a statement meaningless.
What it means when....
He says, "I love you" for the first time (not during sex).
He does. And he thought it long before he ever said it.
He says, "Fine," in response to a question about how his day was.
Fine. If something significant happened, he'll tell you -- in a few hours.
He says, "Five," when you ask him how many women he's slept with.
Twelve.
Wondering woman
Why is it so hard for guys to write a personal message in a birthday card? Every year all I get is "Love, Jim."Â Five minutes on the way back from the drugstore doesn't give a whole lot of time to come up with something clever. Plus, he'd rather let a nice dinner and a show do the talking for him.
Male mysteries
27: Percentage of men who say they primarily fight with their wives or girlfriends about the fact that they don't share or talk about their feelings.
65: Percentage of men who don't want their partners to ask more questions about them.Excerpted by permission from "Men, Love & Sex, The Complete User's Guide for Women" by David Zinczenko with Ted Spiker; Rodale, 2006
Here's a great irony: Men, in general, are happy in their relationships. And yet women -- the very people responsible for making guys so happy -- spend a great deal of time fretting over whether their men want to stay in the relationship or are waiting to catch the next bus out of it. Indeed, women spend so much time fretting that they often ask men to talk more about ... gasp! ... their feelings. And the one thing that can make a contented guy discontented is being asked to talk about his feelings. It's like cooking up a great souffle, and then opening the oven to check on it -- and presto, the souffle goes flat.
It's not that you should never ask a man about his feelings. But it's all about technique: you need to coax him to that place where he can share; pushing him just makes him stubborn.
Don't use the f-word
The problem for a lot of guys is that talking feelings with a woman is like talking French with a native Parisian. No matter how hard we study, we'll never master the language with quite the same fluency. So you need to make things a little simpler for us.
From our end, we'd prefer that you don't directly ask about the "f-word" -- feelings.
Say the word feelings to a man and it's like clipping your toenails during a striptease
Say the word feelings to a man and it's like clipping your toenails during a striptease -- total turn-off. The reason? We have feelings, but we don't have the access to them that you do. So every conversation that's pointedly about our feelings seems to us like the last 15 minutes of "Law & Order," where we're the perp and you're the clever detective, poking a finger in our face and hinting that you know just a little more than we do. And you do know a little more than we do. You know how you feel. And we don't know how we feel. So if you want us to talk, then help us speak your language -- by speaking a little of ours.
The point: If you want us to answer questions about what we're feeling, then stop asking about how we're feeling. Instead, watch how we behave, and where our interests lie. And be open about your feelings. The more you show comfort in expressing yourself, the more he'll do the same.
How do I know where the relationship is going?
I feel like I've hit a snag in a relationship with my boyfriend. We've been seeing each other for a few months. Everything was really great in the beginning. Now, it seems like we've fallen into that typical relationship routine. We see each other during the week, rent a movie on Fridays, and usually have sex twice a week (once after the movie). He's nice to me and treats me well, but I'd like to get things back to where they were. He tells me everything's fine, assures me he cares about me, and tells me not to worry about it. But I still do because what he says is one thing but what happens week to week is another. Any idea what he's thinking?
Yeah. He's thinking exactly what he's saying, which is that everything's fine. "
Women think that not talking about the relationship means there are problems, but it's the opposite for men
Women think that not talking about the relationship means there are problems, but it's the opposite for men. If we're not talking about it, it means we're happy," says Conner, 32. So the real question is not "What's he thinking?" It's "What are you thinking?" If you're content with the relationship you've got, then relax and enjoy it. And if you want more, say so. "If a man loves a woman, he'll prove it with daily action not just words," says Jimmy, 27. Either he'll step up to the plate, or what he's giving now is all he's got -- and maybe you need to move on.
Why don't guys answer emotional questions?
I've got a good friend who recently left her husband. They have one child who's eight, and my friend and her ex are now in this bitter disagreement about custody, about money, about who gets to see the daughter when. When I told my husband about it, I asked him how he felt about it, because these are really serious issues, and I figured he'd have really serious thoughts on them. Instead, he just sat there, shrugged his shoulders, and said, "That sucks." Does the man have no feelings?
Of course he has feelings, and he told you what they were: He feels the situation sucks. Oh, but wait ... you were looking for something more. Here's the problem: You wanted him to tune into your concerns, but the signal you were sending was fuzzier than a pirate radio station. It's the old "feelings" conundrum again. If you want to ask him how he'd handle a custody issue, then ask him how he'd handle a custody issue. If you want to know if he thinks it's wrong for one partner to give up on a marriage, then ask him about that. But don't ask him about his feelings and expect him to surmise that your telling him a story about the neighbors is some Aesop's fable for your relationship. "We're simple. Please, no hints or assumptions," says D.J., 26. "Say what you mean, mean what you say. Don't make us guess as if we know what you are trying to say or feel."
D.J.'s a bit of a wishful thinker. Just as men like direct, problem A/solution B equations, women seem to take a more poetic and metaphorical approach to communication. That's why communication between the sexes is so much work. To men, dealing with hypotheticals is fun when we're talking about pennant races and the stock market, not when you're asking us to project how we'd feel about anything really serious, like a breakup or infidelity or pizza toppings. In that case, direct questions will get you the answers you want: let's stay together, I'll be faithful forever, and no anchovies, please.
Why can't a guy just plan out our future?
My husband and I have two kids, a boy and a girl, ages three and six. I'm tired of taking the pill, so I've tried talking to my husband about other options. Specifically, I asked him if he wanted more kids. (I could go either way.) And if he didn't, then we should talk about a vasectomy. But he can't decide whether he wants more children, and he doesn't seem too thrilled with the idea of getting the vasectomy. Why doesn't he just tell me what he wants so then we can come up with some kind of game plan?
Your question contains this interesting phrase: "I could go either way." It sounds like you and your husband are both comfortable in a pair of flip-flops. In our polls and surveys, we've asked men about the vasectomy issue. John, 41, has been talking about a vasectomy with his wife, but they're having trouble getting at the root of who really wants to do what. "Neither of us will come right out and say we're done having kids. She thinks me not signing right up for the operation somehow means that I have this evil master plan: that if I dump her, I'll be able to have kids with some 22-year-old bimbo. But I just don't want to get one, because neither of us have closed the door on having kids, and if she's up for it, I'm up for it."
The fact is that men hate admitting that they don't have a plan, and with complex issues like this, it's hard for a guy to decide, unilaterally, the rest of both your lives. He's going to flip and flop like a beached sea bass until he knows for certain. And then, one day, he's just going to announce his decision.I know, it's hard living with us. Just don't try living without us.
Masculinity mastered: what you now know about men
"Feelings" is our f-word. Bleep it out of your conversational repertoire. Try pointed questions like "What do you think about...."
We feel everything's okay when we're not talking about feelings. When we're talking about feelings, we feel everything's on the rocks.
Backed into a corner, we won't let you into our heads. Give us some space and we'll let you in.
Say this tonight!
The sexiest thing a woman ever said to Dale, 32: "What would you like for breakfast?"
The sexiest thing Tricia, 28, ever said to a man: "I wish I could have you."
Say this, not that!
Say this: "What do you think about that?"
Not: "How do you feel about that?"
Because: He knows how to answer the first question, but the second one makes him nervous.
Say this: "I wish I could say this in a way that makes more sense to you."
Not: "You don't understand me."
Because: Miscommunication is a two-way street.
Say this: "Let's go for a drive."
Not: "Let's sit down and talk."
Because: Men are less tense when they're doing something physical.
Say anything: Once
Not: Ten times
Because: To a guy, repetition makes a statement meaningless.
What it means when....
He says, "I love you" for the first time (not during sex).
He does. And he thought it long before he ever said it.
He says, "Fine," in response to a question about how his day was.
Fine. If something significant happened, he'll tell you -- in a few hours.
He says, "Five," when you ask him how many women he's slept with.
Twelve.
Wondering woman
Why is it so hard for guys to write a personal message in a birthday card? Every year all I get is "Love, Jim."Â Five minutes on the way back from the drugstore doesn't give a whole lot of time to come up with something clever. Plus, he'd rather let a nice dinner and a show do the talking for him.
Male mysteries
27: Percentage of men who say they primarily fight with their wives or girlfriends about the fact that they don't share or talk about their feelings.
65: Percentage of men who don't want their partners to ask more questions about them.Excerpted by permission from "Men, Love & Sex, The Complete User's Guide for Women" by David Zinczenko with Ted Spiker; Rodale, 2006
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
24 WAYS OF HOW TO BE A COOL/HAPPY INDO
Here's an updated list of how to be a cool/happy Indo. And since I AM first and foremost Indo, I do follow some of these rules from time to time. Im not perfect and I can use some improvements, but I do try my best.
24. Never give hugs to others, ESPECIALLY to the opposite sex, under any circumstances i.e. for special occassions, greetings, etc. because it is too intimate and it is ABSOLUTELY 'haram'! A handshake is always appropriate and sufficient.
23. ALWAYS look good FIRST and nevermind how you feel. Feeling good is NOT important. Remember the key is to fake it!
22. Never show emotions! It's just WRONG!
21. Never admit any wrongdoings/faults/guilts because it is a sign of weakness.
20. Never take sincere compliments from your friends because they never mean them anyways.
19. Always have 'gengsi' a.k.a. save face because we love fake people. Real people sucks.
18. Weather-talk makes for great conversation & is the best way to connect with people. Never share your real thoughts & ideas because they are much too personal.
17. Always be politically correct. Being politically incorrect is always rude and inappropriate. Remember our roots to always 'jaga image' aka 'ja-im'! It's the only way to go.
16. Never take reponsibilities for your words & actions so that you will not look bad in the end.
15. Turn down every opportunites to meet new friends. Be exclusive & stick with your old crowd. It's much safer this way.
14. Don't forget to bribe your way to get what you want. Money always talks.
13. Never be on time because being on time is only for serious, stiff, uptight people. We Indos are laid back!
12. Never be straightforward. Always be passive agressive. Then they'll get it and it's the only way to go! Saying what you mean and meaning what you say is only for lame people.
11. Show off to your friends your branded personal belongings i.e. your LV, Prada, Gucci, Versace, etc. The bigger and more visible the item/logo, the more prominent it is; and therefore, the better.
10. Do not have any integrity whatsoever to your words/what you say. Just make things up as you go.
9. Indo parents : Always play blind and be in denial about your kids and their love lives.
8. Impose unreasonable, strict, harsh rules to your kids while they are growing up; so that when they leave home for the United States to go to 'school', they can go buckwild!
7. Pay someone to take your exams, do your projects, & get you through college. And buy your diploma.
6. Buy the most expensive car so that the valey guy can park it right upfront when there is the annual Indo U Club party. And remember, you ain't hip unless you are seen in a BENZ or BMW rollin in Beverly Hills!
5. Never dance in the club. Just have a cel phone on your left hand & a cigarette on your right and drink yourself to death. This is cool!
4. Attend all the Indo parties.
3. Indo girls : NEVER get a suntan! It's a sin & you'll be cursed for life. You'll never get a boyfriend & you can forget about marriage. Cover all parts of your body i.e. your arms & neck with long sleeve shirts while you are driving your car. Don't forget to use the umbrella when the sun is out.
2. Make sure you visit Beijing/China before you die. Monterey Park & Chinatown do NOT count!
1. Make sure you sign up with friendster and log in EVERY DAY. Have at least 500 friends just for show because IT IS all about competition of who can get the most friends.
Feel free to add more to these rules
24. Never give hugs to others, ESPECIALLY to the opposite sex, under any circumstances i.e. for special occassions, greetings, etc. because it is too intimate and it is ABSOLUTELY 'haram'! A handshake is always appropriate and sufficient.
23. ALWAYS look good FIRST and nevermind how you feel. Feeling good is NOT important. Remember the key is to fake it!
22. Never show emotions! It's just WRONG!
21. Never admit any wrongdoings/faults/guilts because it is a sign of weakness.
20. Never take sincere compliments from your friends because they never mean them anyways.
19. Always have 'gengsi' a.k.a. save face because we love fake people. Real people sucks.
18. Weather-talk makes for great conversation & is the best way to connect with people. Never share your real thoughts & ideas because they are much too personal.
17. Always be politically correct. Being politically incorrect is always rude and inappropriate. Remember our roots to always 'jaga image' aka 'ja-im'! It's the only way to go.
16. Never take reponsibilities for your words & actions so that you will not look bad in the end.
15. Turn down every opportunites to meet new friends. Be exclusive & stick with your old crowd. It's much safer this way.
14. Don't forget to bribe your way to get what you want. Money always talks.
13. Never be on time because being on time is only for serious, stiff, uptight people. We Indos are laid back!
12. Never be straightforward. Always be passive agressive. Then they'll get it and it's the only way to go! Saying what you mean and meaning what you say is only for lame people.
11. Show off to your friends your branded personal belongings i.e. your LV, Prada, Gucci, Versace, etc. The bigger and more visible the item/logo, the more prominent it is; and therefore, the better.
10. Do not have any integrity whatsoever to your words/what you say. Just make things up as you go.
9. Indo parents : Always play blind and be in denial about your kids and their love lives.
8. Impose unreasonable, strict, harsh rules to your kids while they are growing up; so that when they leave home for the United States to go to 'school', they can go buckwild!
7. Pay someone to take your exams, do your projects, & get you through college. And buy your diploma.
6. Buy the most expensive car so that the valey guy can park it right upfront when there is the annual Indo U Club party. And remember, you ain't hip unless you are seen in a BENZ or BMW rollin in Beverly Hills!
5. Never dance in the club. Just have a cel phone on your left hand & a cigarette on your right and drink yourself to death. This is cool!
4. Attend all the Indo parties.
3. Indo girls : NEVER get a suntan! It's a sin & you'll be cursed for life. You'll never get a boyfriend & you can forget about marriage. Cover all parts of your body i.e. your arms & neck with long sleeve shirts while you are driving your car. Don't forget to use the umbrella when the sun is out.
2. Make sure you visit Beijing/China before you die. Monterey Park & Chinatown do NOT count!
1. Make sure you sign up with friendster and log in EVERY DAY. Have at least 500 friends just for show because IT IS all about competition of who can get the most friends.
Feel free to add more to these rules
Monday, April 16, 2007
WHY WOMEN FALL FOR 'MR AVERAGE'
High-flying men are not as attractive to women looking for love as those with an average job, scientists say.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the University of Central Lancashire research found the 186 female students asked preferred good-looking men.
But within that group, those without top careers were deemed most suitable, the Personality and Individual Differences journal reported.
The team said women seemed to feel high-flyers would not be good fathers.
Lead researcher Simon Chu said the high-earning career men were deemed to be "too good to be true".
"Under particular circumstances, high socio-economic status in males can be subtly counter-productive in terms of attractiveness as a long-term partner.
"We suggest that females see physically attractive, high status males as being more likely to pursue a mating strategy rather than a parenting strategy."
Using photographs of 60 men in their 20s, researchers asked students to rate them on a physical attractiveness scale.
Six from the good looking group, six considered average and six judged unattractive were then selected.
Profession
Alongside each photograph they added information on the man's age, what he was looking for in a partner and their profession.
The professions included high-status jobs such as architects and company directors, medium-status positions such as teachers or travel agents and so-called lower-status roles such as gardeners and postmen.
The researchers found that purely on looks, the best-looking men were assessed as the best partners.
But within this group, when professions were taken into account, those good-looking men with medium status jobs came out top.
Ingrid Collins, a consultant psychologist at the London Medical Centre, agreed potential parenting and providing skills were important.
"I think there will always be a pattern where women will take the lead in caring for the children.
"Because of this they will tend to go for someone who can look after and provide for their family."
MY COMMENT :
Well.. well... My girlfriend and I were talking abt the old familiar saying by some parents : "... Don't go for the best looking guy out there because you may have to sleep with you eyes open.."<:-D
Being superficial and shallow for a moment, just for the sake of this discussion; I have seen many instances, with the caveat that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, where in a couple, the woman is super fine and the guy is, well, not-so-fine. But the thing is he's loaded with money. Some may call the woman materialistic, which reminds me of that 'Simply Irresistable' song by Robert Palmer. There's a verse which fits perfectly here : "... she's so fine there's no telling where the money went.."
I guess this also may be the reason why I have met many guys who appear super confident because they have high-status, high-paying jobs. They are confident because they are also highly educated. I have observed that there is a higher tendency among males to think that what defines or makes them a man at a certain stage in their lives is what careers they have and how established their careers are. And for those women whose ultimate priority is to settle down rather than to find a good looking guy first and then to settle down with him, second; there is the answer. Though nowadays, many more women want someone who has both, good career and attractive looks.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the University of Central Lancashire research found the 186 female students asked preferred good-looking men.
But within that group, those without top careers were deemed most suitable, the Personality and Individual Differences journal reported.
The team said women seemed to feel high-flyers would not be good fathers.
Lead researcher Simon Chu said the high-earning career men were deemed to be "too good to be true".
"Under particular circumstances, high socio-economic status in males can be subtly counter-productive in terms of attractiveness as a long-term partner.
"We suggest that females see physically attractive, high status males as being more likely to pursue a mating strategy rather than a parenting strategy."
Using photographs of 60 men in their 20s, researchers asked students to rate them on a physical attractiveness scale.
Six from the good looking group, six considered average and six judged unattractive were then selected.
Profession
Alongside each photograph they added information on the man's age, what he was looking for in a partner and their profession.
The professions included high-status jobs such as architects and company directors, medium-status positions such as teachers or travel agents and so-called lower-status roles such as gardeners and postmen.
The researchers found that purely on looks, the best-looking men were assessed as the best partners.
But within this group, when professions were taken into account, those good-looking men with medium status jobs came out top.
Ingrid Collins, a consultant psychologist at the London Medical Centre, agreed potential parenting and providing skills were important.
"I think there will always be a pattern where women will take the lead in caring for the children.
"Because of this they will tend to go for someone who can look after and provide for their family."
MY COMMENT :
Well.. well... My girlfriend and I were talking abt the old familiar saying by some parents : "... Don't go for the best looking guy out there because you may have to sleep with you eyes open.."<:-D
Being superficial and shallow for a moment, just for the sake of this discussion; I have seen many instances, with the caveat that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, where in a couple, the woman is super fine and the guy is, well, not-so-fine. But the thing is he's loaded with money. Some may call the woman materialistic, which reminds me of that 'Simply Irresistable' song by Robert Palmer. There's a verse which fits perfectly here : "... she's so fine there's no telling where the money went.."
I guess this also may be the reason why I have met many guys who appear super confident because they have high-status, high-paying jobs. They are confident because they are also highly educated. I have observed that there is a higher tendency among males to think that what defines or makes them a man at a certain stage in their lives is what careers they have and how established their careers are. And for those women whose ultimate priority is to settle down rather than to find a good looking guy first and then to settle down with him, second; there is the answer. Though nowadays, many more women want someone who has both, good career and attractive looks.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
WOMEN ARE BEST AT BEING BUDDIES
A four-year study by sociologists at The University of Manchester has found that women are much more likely than men to make deep and lasting friendships.
The investigation into social networks by the University's Research Centre for Socio-Cultural Change found that men are more fickle and calculating about who they should be friends with.
Women on the other hand, stand by their friends through thick and thin.
Adding to the bad news for male prestige, the study confirms the stereotype that men are likely to base their friendship on social drinking.
Of the 10,000 individuals studied who took part in the 1992 to 2002 British Household Panel Surveys, women are much more likely to stay with the same friends.
Single people, older people and white collar workers are also good at paring up.
Middle class people are more likely to cast their net of friendship far wider, whereas the working class tend to stick to their own kind.
Dr Gindo Tampubolon said the findings on female friendship were doubly significant because the data suggests we are much more likely socialise with people from our own gender - 75 per cent of best friends were with the same sex.
Dr Tampubolon, who is based at the School of Social Sciences, said: "Friendship between women seems to be fundamentally different to friendship between men.
"It's much deeper and more moral: it's about the relationship itself rather than what they can get out of it.
"Women tend to keep their friends through thick and thin across geography and social mobility.
"And women's view of friendship has something to do with how they express themselves and form their identity.
"Men, on the other hand are more fickle with their relationships and seem more interested in 'what's in it for me'".
He added: "The findings reflect our view that friendship is not a choice. We have contact with friends, family, neighbourhood and work which we are or are not able to turn into friendships.
"Middle class people are more adept at doing this and tend to define friendship more widely such as work, family and the pub.
"Working class people, on the other hand, are more limited: they're likely to form a best friend with another working class person."
Professor of Sociology Mike Savage said: "This research draws upon a tradition of inquiry known as social network analysis, developed by Professor John Barnes who was based here at the Victoria University of Manchester in 1952-1953.
"SNA is able to analyse social structures using a series of algorithms and we wanted explore its application in this area and others.
"It is now used widely by business including the Google search engine and Amazon's recommendations page.
"SNA is very relevant to the work of Harvard University's Professor Robert Putnam, and should inform our recently announced collaboration with Harvard on social change."
MY COMMENT :
It surely is an opinion here. I am a woman and I come with a woman's perspective. I think that friendship between two women can be rewarding. I have also seen friendship between opposite sex flourish. It all depends on the individuals and their goals. I can say my goal is to make friends and develop connections with those whom I think I can have a long term-fulfilling-quality friendship with.
I think both parties need to have similar goals regarding their friendship. Sometimes, the goal of establishing true friendship comes after the initial encounters or becomes more clear after other events have taken place. That is, sometimes people may have ulterior motives other than having the goal of wanting true friendship.
There needs to be mutual respect and both needs to want the friendship. One can initiate and just like in dating, the other needs to equally reciprocate.
These are some things that come into mind that may constitute as ulterior motives. As a couple, I have personally encountered another couple in which the woman in the relationship has a sole purpose of constantly seeking a compatible 'playdate' for her man. This, as it turns out, is her primary goal. Through a series of events and in retrospect, I discovered that she values friendship with women less and that pursuing friendship is not her priority; but that she values friendship most if a woman is in a relationship with a man and if the man she is in the relationship with, is compatible with her man. Needless to say, she likes having male friends who is compatible with her man.
Another scenario is when someone is interested in a mutual friend and needs a playing arena for them to meet so that the rest of the party becomes 'pseudo-friends' to acommodate the interested parties.
Just like with anything else, the most important part is to make sure that both parties are in agreement to the given situation. If that is the case, everything should run smoothly. That is, just like in dating, as long as both agree to where they stand with regards to their friendship, especially when there are other/special circumstances involved, such as those mentioned above, then all are good to go. Otherwise, potential misunderstanding, hurt, disappointments may follow.
The article pointed out that men tend to ask themselves 'what's in it for me?' Is this true guys??
For the most part, I seek friendship for emotional support, for entertainment, to share stories and have good times with. Sometimes friendship comes with drama and if that comes into play, i would just try to enjoy the ride the best way I know how. I have played different roles in the past. I've been a 100% spectator watching the lively drama from the sidelines. I've had a cameo, supporting, and starring/major roles as well. I can vouch that variety is the spice of life. The more people involved, the higher the potential for entertainment we have. And my experiences help shape me into who I am today. Another thing is : What's life without drama, right??!
The investigation into social networks by the University's Research Centre for Socio-Cultural Change found that men are more fickle and calculating about who they should be friends with.
Women on the other hand, stand by their friends through thick and thin.
Adding to the bad news for male prestige, the study confirms the stereotype that men are likely to base their friendship on social drinking.
Of the 10,000 individuals studied who took part in the 1992 to 2002 British Household Panel Surveys, women are much more likely to stay with the same friends.
Single people, older people and white collar workers are also good at paring up.
Middle class people are more likely to cast their net of friendship far wider, whereas the working class tend to stick to their own kind.
Dr Gindo Tampubolon said the findings on female friendship were doubly significant because the data suggests we are much more likely socialise with people from our own gender - 75 per cent of best friends were with the same sex.
Dr Tampubolon, who is based at the School of Social Sciences, said: "Friendship between women seems to be fundamentally different to friendship between men.
"It's much deeper and more moral: it's about the relationship itself rather than what they can get out of it.
"Women tend to keep their friends through thick and thin across geography and social mobility.
"And women's view of friendship has something to do with how they express themselves and form their identity.
"Men, on the other hand are more fickle with their relationships and seem more interested in 'what's in it for me'".
He added: "The findings reflect our view that friendship is not a choice. We have contact with friends, family, neighbourhood and work which we are or are not able to turn into friendships.
"Middle class people are more adept at doing this and tend to define friendship more widely such as work, family and the pub.
"Working class people, on the other hand, are more limited: they're likely to form a best friend with another working class person."
Professor of Sociology Mike Savage said: "This research draws upon a tradition of inquiry known as social network analysis, developed by Professor John Barnes who was based here at the Victoria University of Manchester in 1952-1953.
"SNA is able to analyse social structures using a series of algorithms and we wanted explore its application in this area and others.
"It is now used widely by business including the Google search engine and Amazon's recommendations page.
"SNA is very relevant to the work of Harvard University's Professor Robert Putnam, and should inform our recently announced collaboration with Harvard on social change."
MY COMMENT :
It surely is an opinion here. I am a woman and I come with a woman's perspective. I think that friendship between two women can be rewarding. I have also seen friendship between opposite sex flourish. It all depends on the individuals and their goals. I can say my goal is to make friends and develop connections with those whom I think I can have a long term-fulfilling-quality friendship with.
I think both parties need to have similar goals regarding their friendship. Sometimes, the goal of establishing true friendship comes after the initial encounters or becomes more clear after other events have taken place. That is, sometimes people may have ulterior motives other than having the goal of wanting true friendship.
There needs to be mutual respect and both needs to want the friendship. One can initiate and just like in dating, the other needs to equally reciprocate.
These are some things that come into mind that may constitute as ulterior motives. As a couple, I have personally encountered another couple in which the woman in the relationship has a sole purpose of constantly seeking a compatible 'playdate' for her man. This, as it turns out, is her primary goal. Through a series of events and in retrospect, I discovered that she values friendship with women less and that pursuing friendship is not her priority; but that she values friendship most if a woman is in a relationship with a man and if the man she is in the relationship with, is compatible with her man. Needless to say, she likes having male friends who is compatible with her man.
Another scenario is when someone is interested in a mutual friend and needs a playing arena for them to meet so that the rest of the party becomes 'pseudo-friends' to acommodate the interested parties.
Just like with anything else, the most important part is to make sure that both parties are in agreement to the given situation. If that is the case, everything should run smoothly. That is, just like in dating, as long as both agree to where they stand with regards to their friendship, especially when there are other/special circumstances involved, such as those mentioned above, then all are good to go. Otherwise, potential misunderstanding, hurt, disappointments may follow.
The article pointed out that men tend to ask themselves 'what's in it for me?' Is this true guys??
For the most part, I seek friendship for emotional support, for entertainment, to share stories and have good times with. Sometimes friendship comes with drama and if that comes into play, i would just try to enjoy the ride the best way I know how. I have played different roles in the past. I've been a 100% spectator watching the lively drama from the sidelines. I've had a cameo, supporting, and starring/major roles as well. I can vouch that variety is the spice of life. The more people involved, the higher the potential for entertainment we have. And my experiences help shape me into who I am today. Another thing is : What's life without drama, right??!
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
GENDER ISSUES : COMMUNICATION DIFFERENCES IN INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS
Aahhh... how appropriate! A refresher course on 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus'.. on Valentine's Day!<:-D
Cynthia Burggraf Torppa, Ph.D.,
Family and Consumer Sciences Agent, Morrow County,
Ohio State University Extension, The Ohio State University
A lot of media attention has been devoted to the idea that women and men communicate very differently—in fact, it is sometimes stated that women and men communicate so differently from one another that they must come from different planets! Although at times differences in women's and men's communication styles seem to be constant and overwhelming, they are really quite minor. For example, both women and men can be nurturing, aggressive, task-focused, or sentimental. What is important to think about, however, is that women and men sometimes perceive the same messages to have different meanings. In fact, it may be as a result of the differences in message interpretation that the "battle of the sexes" occurs.
Studies indicate that women, to a greater extent than men, are sensitive to the interpersonal meanings that lie "between the lines" in the messages they exchange with their mates. That is, societal expectations often make women responsible for regulating intimacy, or how close they allow others to come. For that reason, it is argued that women pay more attention than men to the underlying meanings about intimacy that messages imply. Men on the other hand, to a greater extent than women, are more sensitive to "between the lines meanings" about status. For men, societal expectations are that they must negotiate hierarchy, or who's the captain and who's the crew (Tannen, 1990; Wood, 2001).
These differences in emphasis on interpersonal vs. status implications of messages typically lead women to expect relationships to be based on interdependence (mutual dependence) and cooperation. Women more frequently emphasize the similarities between themselves and others, and try to make decisions that make everyone happy. In contrast, it is more typical for men to expect relationships to be based on independence and competition. Men more frequently emphasize the differences between themselves and others, and often make decisions based on their personal needs or desires.
How are these differences seen in marriage? In the ways women and men communicate! Women tend to be the relationship specialists and men tend to be task specialists. Women are typically the experts in "rapport talk" which refers to the types of communication that build, maintain, and strengthen relationships. Rapport talk reflects skills of talking, nurturing, emotional expression, empathy, and support. Men are typically the experts in task accomplishment and addressing questions about facts. They are experts in "report talk," which refers to the types of communication that analyzes issues and solves problems. Report talk reflects skills of being competitive, lacking sentimentality, analyzing, and focusing aggressively on task accomplishment.
These differences can create specific, and commonly experienced, misunderstandings. Here are two examples:
Misunderstanding #1
He: I'm really tired. I have so much work to do—I don't know how I'm going to get it done!
She: Me, too. There just aren't enough hours in the day!
He: There you go again! You never think my contributions to this marriage are good enough!
In this conversation, she is trying to communicate something like "We're partners and share similar experiences." Her intended "between the lines" message is: "I understand what you're going through; you're not alone." The "between the lines" message he hears emphasizes competition for status: "What are you complaining about? You aren't any better than I am!" or "Your contributions to our marriage aren't any more significant than mine!"
Misunderstanding #2
She: I'm really tired. I have so much work to do—I don't know how I'm going to get it done!
He: Why don't you take a day off and rest, if you're so tired?
She: (sarcastically) Thanks a lot! You think my contribution to this household is so trivial that I can do nothing and the difference won't even be noticed?
Here, he is trying to communicate something like "Oh, you need advice and analysis? I'll focus on the details and facts, and offer a solution." His intended "between the lines" message is: "I will help you solve your problem because I think I know something that might help." The "between the lines" message she hears him saying: "I don't want to understand your feelings; I'm different from you and I know what you should do."
The problems here result from some subtle differences in the ways that women and men approach problems. Women sometimes deal with problems (especially emotional concerns) by talking about them, sharing their feelings, and matching experiences with others. This can be frustrating to men, who more typically deal with problems by focusing on the facts and seeking an immediate solution. Occasionally, men perceive women to be ungrateful for the advice and solutions they offer and ponder in frustration why women don't want to resolve their problems! Similarly, when men offer a solution, rather than talking about a problem, women may feel hurt, dissatisfied, and put-down by the lack of empathy men show.
The misunderstandings in these examples probably result from differences in the ways that women and men show affection. It is more common for women to show affection through talking, but it is more common for men to show affection by doing things—either doing things together or doing separate things within the same physical space. Sometimes not talking—not having to talk—is a sign of trust and intimacy for men.
What does all this mean to us?
Understanding differences is the key to working them out. When we misunderstand one another, we often think that the other's motives are not reasonable, are mean spirited, or worse! But by knowing that women and men sometimes see—and hear!—things through different filters, we can begin to share with one other the distortions we experience, and thereby find our way to clarity.
So, the next time you feel surprised, disappointed, or angry with someone's response to something you have said, ask yourself if he or she may have "misheard" you. Is the other responding to your problems with a solution, when you wanted to receive sympathy? Is the other responding to your message of affection with a message of status? If so, you will be able to help the other to understand the source of your miscommunication, and avoid the hurt feelings and conflicts that sometimes follow.
Cynthia Burggraf Torppa, Ph.D.,
Family and Consumer Sciences Agent, Morrow County,
Ohio State University Extension, The Ohio State University
A lot of media attention has been devoted to the idea that women and men communicate very differently—in fact, it is sometimes stated that women and men communicate so differently from one another that they must come from different planets! Although at times differences in women's and men's communication styles seem to be constant and overwhelming, they are really quite minor. For example, both women and men can be nurturing, aggressive, task-focused, or sentimental. What is important to think about, however, is that women and men sometimes perceive the same messages to have different meanings. In fact, it may be as a result of the differences in message interpretation that the "battle of the sexes" occurs.
Studies indicate that women, to a greater extent than men, are sensitive to the interpersonal meanings that lie "between the lines" in the messages they exchange with their mates. That is, societal expectations often make women responsible for regulating intimacy, or how close they allow others to come. For that reason, it is argued that women pay more attention than men to the underlying meanings about intimacy that messages imply. Men on the other hand, to a greater extent than women, are more sensitive to "between the lines meanings" about status. For men, societal expectations are that they must negotiate hierarchy, or who's the captain and who's the crew (Tannen, 1990; Wood, 2001).
These differences in emphasis on interpersonal vs. status implications of messages typically lead women to expect relationships to be based on interdependence (mutual dependence) and cooperation. Women more frequently emphasize the similarities between themselves and others, and try to make decisions that make everyone happy. In contrast, it is more typical for men to expect relationships to be based on independence and competition. Men more frequently emphasize the differences between themselves and others, and often make decisions based on their personal needs or desires.
How are these differences seen in marriage? In the ways women and men communicate! Women tend to be the relationship specialists and men tend to be task specialists. Women are typically the experts in "rapport talk" which refers to the types of communication that build, maintain, and strengthen relationships. Rapport talk reflects skills of talking, nurturing, emotional expression, empathy, and support. Men are typically the experts in task accomplishment and addressing questions about facts. They are experts in "report talk," which refers to the types of communication that analyzes issues and solves problems. Report talk reflects skills of being competitive, lacking sentimentality, analyzing, and focusing aggressively on task accomplishment.
These differences can create specific, and commonly experienced, misunderstandings. Here are two examples:
Misunderstanding #1
He: I'm really tired. I have so much work to do—I don't know how I'm going to get it done!
She: Me, too. There just aren't enough hours in the day!
He: There you go again! You never think my contributions to this marriage are good enough!
In this conversation, she is trying to communicate something like "We're partners and share similar experiences." Her intended "between the lines" message is: "I understand what you're going through; you're not alone." The "between the lines" message he hears emphasizes competition for status: "What are you complaining about? You aren't any better than I am!" or "Your contributions to our marriage aren't any more significant than mine!"
Misunderstanding #2
She: I'm really tired. I have so much work to do—I don't know how I'm going to get it done!
He: Why don't you take a day off and rest, if you're so tired?
She: (sarcastically) Thanks a lot! You think my contribution to this household is so trivial that I can do nothing and the difference won't even be noticed?
Here, he is trying to communicate something like "Oh, you need advice and analysis? I'll focus on the details and facts, and offer a solution." His intended "between the lines" message is: "I will help you solve your problem because I think I know something that might help." The "between the lines" message she hears him saying: "I don't want to understand your feelings; I'm different from you and I know what you should do."
The problems here result from some subtle differences in the ways that women and men approach problems. Women sometimes deal with problems (especially emotional concerns) by talking about them, sharing their feelings, and matching experiences with others. This can be frustrating to men, who more typically deal with problems by focusing on the facts and seeking an immediate solution. Occasionally, men perceive women to be ungrateful for the advice and solutions they offer and ponder in frustration why women don't want to resolve their problems! Similarly, when men offer a solution, rather than talking about a problem, women may feel hurt, dissatisfied, and put-down by the lack of empathy men show.
The misunderstandings in these examples probably result from differences in the ways that women and men show affection. It is more common for women to show affection through talking, but it is more common for men to show affection by doing things—either doing things together or doing separate things within the same physical space. Sometimes not talking—not having to talk—is a sign of trust and intimacy for men.
What does all this mean to us?
Understanding differences is the key to working them out. When we misunderstand one another, we often think that the other's motives are not reasonable, are mean spirited, or worse! But by knowing that women and men sometimes see—and hear!—things through different filters, we can begin to share with one other the distortions we experience, and thereby find our way to clarity.
So, the next time you feel surprised, disappointed, or angry with someone's response to something you have said, ask yourself if he or she may have "misheard" you. Is the other responding to your problems with a solution, when you wanted to receive sympathy? Is the other responding to your message of affection with a message of status? If so, you will be able to help the other to understand the source of your miscommunication, and avoid the hurt feelings and conflicts that sometimes follow.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
WHY WE LIE
By Robin Llyod
We all lie, all the time. It causes problems, to say the least. So why do we do it?
It boils down to the shifting sands of the self and trying to look good both to ourselves and others, experts say.
"It's tied in with self-esteem," says University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert Feldman. "We find that as soon as people feel that their self-esteem is threatened, they immediately begin to lie at higher levels."
Not all lies are harmful. In fact, sometimes lying is the best approach for protecting privacy and ourselves and others from malice, some researchers say. Some deception, such as boasting and lies in the name of tact and politeness, can be classified as less than serious. But bald-faced lies (whether they involve leaving out the truth or putting in something false), are harmful, as they corrode trust and intimacy—the glue of society.
Kidding yourself
Many animals engage in deception, or deliberately misleading another, but only humans are wired to deceive both themselves and others, researchers say. People are so engaged in managing how others perceive them that they are often unable to separate truth from fiction in their own minds, Feldman's research shows.
For instance, In one experiment, Feldman put two strangers in a room together. They were videotaped while they conversed. Later, independently, each was asked to view the tape and identify anything they had said that was not entirely accurate.
Rather than defining what counts as a lie and to avoid the moral tone of the word "lie," Feldman's experimenters simply asked subjects after the fact to identify anything they had said in the video that was "not entirely accurate."
Initially, "Each subject said, 'Oh, I was entirely accurate,'" Feldman told LiveScience. Upon watching themselves on video, subjects were genuinely surprised to discover they had said something inaccurate. The lies ranged from pretending to like someone they actually disliked to falsely claiming to be the star of a rock band.
The study, published in the Journal of Basic and Applied Psychology, found that 60 percent of people had lied at least once during the 10-minute conversation, saying an average of 2.92 inaccurate things.
"People almost lie reflexively," Feldman says. "They don't think about it as part of their normal social discourse." But it is, the research showed.
"We're trying not so much to impress other people but to maintain a view of ourselves that is consistent with the way they would like us to be," Feldman said. We want to be agreeable, to make the social situation smoother or easier, and to avoid insulting others through disagreement or discord.
Men lie no more than women, but they tend to lie to make themselves look better, while women are more likely to lie to make the other person feel better.
Extroverts tend to lie more than introverts, Feldman found in similar research involving a job-interview situation.
Workplace lies
Other research has delved into prevarication in the workplace.
Self-esteem and threats to our sense of self are also drivers when it comes to lying to co-workers, rather than strangers, says Jennifer Argo of the University of Alberta.
A recent study she co-authored showed that people are even more willing to lie to coworkers than they are to strangers.
"We want to both look good when we are in the company of others (especially people we care about), and we want to protect our self-worth," Argo told LiveScience.
The experiment involved reading a scenario to a subject, telling them they had paid more than a coworker for the same new car. When the coworker, in the scenario, mentioned what they had paid, $200 or $2,000 more in different versions of the experiment, the subject was asked to report how they would respond.
Argo found that her subjects were more willing to lie when the price difference was small and when they were talking to a coworker rather than to a stranger.
Consumers lie to protect their public and private selves, she wrote in the Journal of Consumer Research with her colleagues from the University of Calgary and University of British Columbia.
Argo said she was surprised that people are so willing to lie to someone they know even over a small price discrepancy.
"I guess closely tied to this is that people appear to be short-term focused when they decide to deceive someone—save my self-image and self-worth now, but later on if the deceived individual finds out it can have long-term consequences," she said.
Feldman says people should become more aware of the extent to which we tend to lie and that honesty yields more genuine relationships and trust. "The default ought to be to be honest and accurate ... We're better off if honesty is the norm. It's like the old saying: honesty is the best policy."
MY COMMENT :
What people do and say may be two different things. Ideally, they need to be consistent. People often say one thing with the intent to project a certain image of themselves; but in reality, they are not at all what they are trying to portray to others. Sometimes people are not what they appear to be. It is one thing to put your best foot forward. It is quite another to put on a false front.
People deviate from the truth due to various reasons. What one perceives as the truth may not be so for another. It's a matter of perception and whose perspective you are looking from.
There are those whose clearly malicious intent is to lie in order to deceive someone. But most people lie in order to get to or as a means to a goal. And it all depends if the latter is more honorable than the former.
Some people lead a lifestyle of being a habitual lier and it becomes integrated as part of who they are as a person. And it is true that they cannot separate fiction from truth in their own minds because their minds have been conditioned to not be able to see the difference.
There are people whose lives is to live by how others perceive them as how they are to be. And as these perceptions fluctuate and so are their lies. Some use lying as a defense mechanism, to give themselves an ego stroke, to give themselves a false sense of pride and security, among other things.
Sometimes, consciously or unconsciously, choosing a lifestyle full of lies saves one's sanity while living on earth. Our minds will do anything to save itself from losing it at any cost because if we lose our minds, that is our sanity, what is left for us to do?? It is sometimes better to have a mind full of lies rather than losing our minds alltogether, I supposed. If we lose our minds and therefore our sanity; we lose our lives, essentially. We cannot function without a 'healthy' mind. Our society does not tolerate well those with compromised mental health. Furthermore, once a medical diagnosis of some form of insanity i.e. 'altered mental status' is made, society as a whole will treat us differently . That is why we have various mental health facilities.
So yes, for some, unfortunately, it takes constant lying to save their sanity and therefore their minds. And no wonder some people survive lying day in and day out. It is such an irony because in order for them to maintain an intact, coherent, well-functioning minds; they must live a lifelong full of lies.
We all lie, all the time. It causes problems, to say the least. So why do we do it?
It boils down to the shifting sands of the self and trying to look good both to ourselves and others, experts say.
"It's tied in with self-esteem," says University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert Feldman. "We find that as soon as people feel that their self-esteem is threatened, they immediately begin to lie at higher levels."
Not all lies are harmful. In fact, sometimes lying is the best approach for protecting privacy and ourselves and others from malice, some researchers say. Some deception, such as boasting and lies in the name of tact and politeness, can be classified as less than serious. But bald-faced lies (whether they involve leaving out the truth or putting in something false), are harmful, as they corrode trust and intimacy—the glue of society.
Kidding yourself
Many animals engage in deception, or deliberately misleading another, but only humans are wired to deceive both themselves and others, researchers say. People are so engaged in managing how others perceive them that they are often unable to separate truth from fiction in their own minds, Feldman's research shows.
For instance, In one experiment, Feldman put two strangers in a room together. They were videotaped while they conversed. Later, independently, each was asked to view the tape and identify anything they had said that was not entirely accurate.
Rather than defining what counts as a lie and to avoid the moral tone of the word "lie," Feldman's experimenters simply asked subjects after the fact to identify anything they had said in the video that was "not entirely accurate."
Initially, "Each subject said, 'Oh, I was entirely accurate,'" Feldman told LiveScience. Upon watching themselves on video, subjects were genuinely surprised to discover they had said something inaccurate. The lies ranged from pretending to like someone they actually disliked to falsely claiming to be the star of a rock band.
The study, published in the Journal of Basic and Applied Psychology, found that 60 percent of people had lied at least once during the 10-minute conversation, saying an average of 2.92 inaccurate things.
"People almost lie reflexively," Feldman says. "They don't think about it as part of their normal social discourse." But it is, the research showed.
"We're trying not so much to impress other people but to maintain a view of ourselves that is consistent with the way they would like us to be," Feldman said. We want to be agreeable, to make the social situation smoother or easier, and to avoid insulting others through disagreement or discord.
Men lie no more than women, but they tend to lie to make themselves look better, while women are more likely to lie to make the other person feel better.
Extroverts tend to lie more than introverts, Feldman found in similar research involving a job-interview situation.
Workplace lies
Other research has delved into prevarication in the workplace.
Self-esteem and threats to our sense of self are also drivers when it comes to lying to co-workers, rather than strangers, says Jennifer Argo of the University of Alberta.
A recent study she co-authored showed that people are even more willing to lie to coworkers than they are to strangers.
"We want to both look good when we are in the company of others (especially people we care about), and we want to protect our self-worth," Argo told LiveScience.
The experiment involved reading a scenario to a subject, telling them they had paid more than a coworker for the same new car. When the coworker, in the scenario, mentioned what they had paid, $200 or $2,000 more in different versions of the experiment, the subject was asked to report how they would respond.
Argo found that her subjects were more willing to lie when the price difference was small and when they were talking to a coworker rather than to a stranger.
Consumers lie to protect their public and private selves, she wrote in the Journal of Consumer Research with her colleagues from the University of Calgary and University of British Columbia.
Argo said she was surprised that people are so willing to lie to someone they know even over a small price discrepancy.
"I guess closely tied to this is that people appear to be short-term focused when they decide to deceive someone—save my self-image and self-worth now, but later on if the deceived individual finds out it can have long-term consequences," she said.
Feldman says people should become more aware of the extent to which we tend to lie and that honesty yields more genuine relationships and trust. "The default ought to be to be honest and accurate ... We're better off if honesty is the norm. It's like the old saying: honesty is the best policy."
MY COMMENT :
What people do and say may be two different things. Ideally, they need to be consistent. People often say one thing with the intent to project a certain image of themselves; but in reality, they are not at all what they are trying to portray to others. Sometimes people are not what they appear to be. It is one thing to put your best foot forward. It is quite another to put on a false front.
People deviate from the truth due to various reasons. What one perceives as the truth may not be so for another. It's a matter of perception and whose perspective you are looking from.
There are those whose clearly malicious intent is to lie in order to deceive someone. But most people lie in order to get to or as a means to a goal. And it all depends if the latter is more honorable than the former.
Some people lead a lifestyle of being a habitual lier and it becomes integrated as part of who they are as a person. And it is true that they cannot separate fiction from truth in their own minds because their minds have been conditioned to not be able to see the difference.
There are people whose lives is to live by how others perceive them as how they are to be. And as these perceptions fluctuate and so are their lies. Some use lying as a defense mechanism, to give themselves an ego stroke, to give themselves a false sense of pride and security, among other things.
Sometimes, consciously or unconsciously, choosing a lifestyle full of lies saves one's sanity while living on earth. Our minds will do anything to save itself from losing it at any cost because if we lose our minds, that is our sanity, what is left for us to do?? It is sometimes better to have a mind full of lies rather than losing our minds alltogether, I supposed. If we lose our minds and therefore our sanity; we lose our lives, essentially. We cannot function without a 'healthy' mind. Our society does not tolerate well those with compromised mental health. Furthermore, once a medical diagnosis of some form of insanity i.e. 'altered mental status' is made, society as a whole will treat us differently . That is why we have various mental health facilities.
So yes, for some, unfortunately, it takes constant lying to save their sanity and therefore their minds. And no wonder some people survive lying day in and day out. It is such an irony because in order for them to maintain an intact, coherent, well-functioning minds; they must live a lifelong full of lies.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
BEAUTY IN THE EYE OF OTHER BEHOLDERS, STUDY SAYS
By Patricia Reaney
LONDON (Reuters) - Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder but other people's opinions matter too when it comes to the attraction between men and women, according to researchers.
They found women are more attracted to a man if other women like him too.
"We tend to think about things like attraction as reflecting a private decision or a personal choice but our work shows that people's attractiveness judgements can be influenced in pronounced ways by what other people appear to think of those individuals," said psychologist Dr Ben Jones.
Jones, of the University of Aberdeen, and his team tested the impact of the opinions of others by giving women a test in which they had to choose the more attractive of pairs of male faces and to rate how much more handsome they found them.
They were then shown a short video in which the same faces were displayed. But each face was being looked at by a woman smiling or one showing a bored or neutral expression.
After watching the video, the researchers repeated the initial test.
"We found that the slideshow caused women to become more attracted to the men who were being smiled at by other women," said Jones.
The test had the opposite effect on men however, possibly because of the competition factor amongst males.
When men were asked to look at the same male faces, those who got the approving female glances became less appealing.
"This shows that people are using cues to the attitudes of others toward individuals to shape their own attractiveness judgements of those individuals," Jones told Reuters.
The findings, which are reported in The Proceedings of The Royal Society B journal, are similar to mate choice copying seen in other species and are thought to be the first time it has been shown in humans.
Positive female interest in the faces increased the women's preference for the males but it had the opposite effect on male judgements.
Jones suggests the positive reaction conveys a sense of approval for women but the negative male reaction could reflect jealousy or competition.
"If I go to a bar with Brad Pitt, for example, chances are I'm not going to get much interest from the women because Pitt will hog all the attention," he said.
MY COMMENT :
Sometimes it is true that people are influenced by others' cues when it comes to attractiveness judgements. It can be contagious. Physical appearance is a starting point. After that, presentation follows and goes a long way.
Since we are talking about beauty as being perceived by others, i am going to mention a little bit about eye contact because that is the most obvious and is usually the first thing that people notice in body language.
How to enhance your own attractiveness when it comes to eye contact?
Establish eye contact. This is one of the most important tools and a big determinant factor in enhancing one's attractiveness. A friendly glance, relaxed gaze sends the message that I want to connect with you. Avoidance of eye contact signals rejection. Establishing eye contact opens the door to potential, further interaction. It is imperative that we look at each others' eyes when we are talking. This is how we make a connection with someone through body language. It helps strengthen rapport and increases our likability because it signals interest in the conversation. And it leaves the other person with a positive impression about us. Wondering eyes signals disinterest. Of course, intense staring at someone is considered rude and may make them feel uncomfortable.
Also, when the article mentioned that males (pictures) 'who got the approval female glances became less appealing' to other males, it is obvious there is that competition factor. I have also heard that a guy wants to punch the lights out of another guy who looks at a picture of an attractive woman, given that both guys find the same woman to be appealing/attractive. So yes, there's definitely jealousy and competition among our male species, too. I guess females aren't the only ones into catfights!!:D:D:D
LONDON (Reuters) - Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder but other people's opinions matter too when it comes to the attraction between men and women, according to researchers.
They found women are more attracted to a man if other women like him too.
"We tend to think about things like attraction as reflecting a private decision or a personal choice but our work shows that people's attractiveness judgements can be influenced in pronounced ways by what other people appear to think of those individuals," said psychologist Dr Ben Jones.
Jones, of the University of Aberdeen, and his team tested the impact of the opinions of others by giving women a test in which they had to choose the more attractive of pairs of male faces and to rate how much more handsome they found them.
They were then shown a short video in which the same faces were displayed. But each face was being looked at by a woman smiling or one showing a bored or neutral expression.
After watching the video, the researchers repeated the initial test.
"We found that the slideshow caused women to become more attracted to the men who were being smiled at by other women," said Jones.
The test had the opposite effect on men however, possibly because of the competition factor amongst males.
When men were asked to look at the same male faces, those who got the approving female glances became less appealing.
"This shows that people are using cues to the attitudes of others toward individuals to shape their own attractiveness judgements of those individuals," Jones told Reuters.
The findings, which are reported in The Proceedings of The Royal Society B journal, are similar to mate choice copying seen in other species and are thought to be the first time it has been shown in humans.
Positive female interest in the faces increased the women's preference for the males but it had the opposite effect on male judgements.
Jones suggests the positive reaction conveys a sense of approval for women but the negative male reaction could reflect jealousy or competition.
"If I go to a bar with Brad Pitt, for example, chances are I'm not going to get much interest from the women because Pitt will hog all the attention," he said.
MY COMMENT :
Sometimes it is true that people are influenced by others' cues when it comes to attractiveness judgements. It can be contagious. Physical appearance is a starting point. After that, presentation follows and goes a long way.
Since we are talking about beauty as being perceived by others, i am going to mention a little bit about eye contact because that is the most obvious and is usually the first thing that people notice in body language.
How to enhance your own attractiveness when it comes to eye contact?
Establish eye contact. This is one of the most important tools and a big determinant factor in enhancing one's attractiveness. A friendly glance, relaxed gaze sends the message that I want to connect with you. Avoidance of eye contact signals rejection. Establishing eye contact opens the door to potential, further interaction. It is imperative that we look at each others' eyes when we are talking. This is how we make a connection with someone through body language. It helps strengthen rapport and increases our likability because it signals interest in the conversation. And it leaves the other person with a positive impression about us. Wondering eyes signals disinterest. Of course, intense staring at someone is considered rude and may make them feel uncomfortable.
Also, when the article mentioned that males (pictures) 'who got the approval female glances became less appealing' to other males, it is obvious there is that competition factor. I have also heard that a guy wants to punch the lights out of another guy who looks at a picture of an attractive woman, given that both guys find the same woman to be appealing/attractive. So yes, there's definitely jealousy and competition among our male species, too. I guess females aren't the only ones into catfights!!:D:D:D
Friday, January 19, 2007
INFERIORITY COMPLEX
Alfred Adler, a renown psychiatrist of the early 20th century, introduced and coined the concept of inferiority complex. It has now lost its consistent meanings and usage. However, below is my best explanation of what it is in gist.
Inferiority complex is when someone feels inferior to others and results in either anti-social behavior or overcompensation by being overly aggressive or by having the need for over-achievement. Often times this dysfunction stems from childhood experiences that involve lack of social approval/rejection. Sometimes it is intensified by comparisons to older siblings and/or adults. The child feels inadequate and incompetent. It's also caused by the adult's imposition to the child unrealistic, high expectations and excessive negative, non-constructive criticisms. It is mostly subconscious and it is what drives the afflicted towards overcompensation.
How this dysfunction manifests itself in life?
Those afflicted constantly seek social approval and have the need to 'prove' to others their capabilities (also have the need to 'constantly keep up with others'; think that 'what they do and what they have is never good enough', thus dismissing/discounting their own strengths and/or talents/gifts and are unable to appreciate them; become overly sensitive so that they take everything personally or that they easily take offense to a many things being said). Social approval becomes more important than pursuit of happiness. They lack true confidence, obviously, and have low self esteem. What is not obvious sometimes is they may have false confidence in which they are insecure and are riddled with self-doubts in their minds, but that they attempt to project the image of confidence. A lot of people are better at trying to project the image of confidence than in being confident. Usually, such individuals carry the energy around with them that they are on top of the world and can do no wrong. I have seen those with inferiority complex hold respected positions and are placed in the pedestals within their community simply because they've worked hard to project the opposite image and have succeeded.
How to minimize or prevent inferiority complex?
Each child is a unique, special individual and needs to be treated as such. Show support and validation by giving him/her lots of praise. Encourage what s(he) likes to do and show appreciation even for the smallest accomplishments. Do not be overly critical of what s(he) does; but use positive, constructive criticism whenever possible. Do not compare the child to others and do not place too much pressure onto him/her to abide by exceedingly high standards. Do not use the child and make him/her into a trophy child so that you can impress your friends with the child and/or their accomplishments while enhancing your status as a parent.
If anyone would like to agree or disagree, add and/or comment on this, or any of the issues discussed in this blog; pls do. Or you may bring up an issue. What triggered me to write this and other issues is sometimes I question our behaviors and what they mean. And more importantly what messages we are trying to send to the rest. There are reasons why we do things that we do and think the way we do. I am not free of issues and I believe everyone have issues to a certain degree in life. If we at least try to understand some concepts and reflect on these issues, we are halfway there in understanding humankind and in turn, ourselves.
Inferiority complex is when someone feels inferior to others and results in either anti-social behavior or overcompensation by being overly aggressive or by having the need for over-achievement. Often times this dysfunction stems from childhood experiences that involve lack of social approval/rejection. Sometimes it is intensified by comparisons to older siblings and/or adults. The child feels inadequate and incompetent. It's also caused by the adult's imposition to the child unrealistic, high expectations and excessive negative, non-constructive criticisms. It is mostly subconscious and it is what drives the afflicted towards overcompensation.
How this dysfunction manifests itself in life?
Those afflicted constantly seek social approval and have the need to 'prove' to others their capabilities (also have the need to 'constantly keep up with others'; think that 'what they do and what they have is never good enough', thus dismissing/discounting their own strengths and/or talents/gifts and are unable to appreciate them; become overly sensitive so that they take everything personally or that they easily take offense to a many things being said). Social approval becomes more important than pursuit of happiness. They lack true confidence, obviously, and have low self esteem. What is not obvious sometimes is they may have false confidence in which they are insecure and are riddled with self-doubts in their minds, but that they attempt to project the image of confidence. A lot of people are better at trying to project the image of confidence than in being confident. Usually, such individuals carry the energy around with them that they are on top of the world and can do no wrong. I have seen those with inferiority complex hold respected positions and are placed in the pedestals within their community simply because they've worked hard to project the opposite image and have succeeded.
How to minimize or prevent inferiority complex?
Each child is a unique, special individual and needs to be treated as such. Show support and validation by giving him/her lots of praise. Encourage what s(he) likes to do and show appreciation even for the smallest accomplishments. Do not be overly critical of what s(he) does; but use positive, constructive criticism whenever possible. Do not compare the child to others and do not place too much pressure onto him/her to abide by exceedingly high standards. Do not use the child and make him/her into a trophy child so that you can impress your friends with the child and/or their accomplishments while enhancing your status as a parent.
If anyone would like to agree or disagree, add and/or comment on this, or any of the issues discussed in this blog; pls do. Or you may bring up an issue. What triggered me to write this and other issues is sometimes I question our behaviors and what they mean. And more importantly what messages we are trying to send to the rest. There are reasons why we do things that we do and think the way we do. I am not free of issues and I believe everyone have issues to a certain degree in life. If we at least try to understand some concepts and reflect on these issues, we are halfway there in understanding humankind and in turn, ourselves.
Tuesday, January 9, 2007
TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP STATUSES & THEIR INTERPRETATIONS
Here's a quick comment on HOW WOMEN PICK MATES VS FLINGS
Brief exploration of DIFFERENT TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP STATUSES AND THEIR POSSIBLE INTERPRETATIONS
The previous article 'How Women Pick Mates Vs. Flings' is a very interesting one. It does makes sense though. Initially, males with strong masculine features tend to stand out, i.e. soap opera guys??...:D:D:D They draw attention first hand as opposed to males with feminine features. Guys who do not have as much testosterone can better relate to the female species, which is a plus too. Actually, guys who are in touch with their feminine side has the advantage to draw the girls in and is able to emotionally bond with them, so much so that it becomes a challenge for the girls to resist and to let go once the attachment is well-formed and solid. This is very true because emotional attachment is much more deeper and stronger than physical attachment. And I see this repeatedly amongst friends. They are physically single, but emotionally unavailable due to deep-rooted emotional attachment they have for another person.
Nowadays, it is a good idea to rephrase the question : 'Are you single?' into : 'Are you single and emotionally available?' Initially, sometimes people do appear to be single, but do take the time to get to know where someone exactly is, physically, emotionally, and mentally. People are uncertain about their relationship status these days and many carry emotional baggage. The most common scenario is immediately after a break-up, someone is obviously single, physically. But most likely, they are still emotionally occupied for a while. Not to mention, they may have their mindset somewhere else other than being in a relationship and/or that having a relationship (status) may not be a concern in their mind at all.
I have a friendster account and what people indicate as a relationship status does not necessarily reflect what is true in life. It only includes 5 categories : Single, In A Relationship, Married, Domestic Partner, OR It's Complicated. It does not allow multiple statuses, which many people sometimes have depending where they are. May be it should ask when, where, and how your indicated status applies to you.
Sometimes they are 'single' in the US, but not out of state nor overseas. May be they are 'it's complicated' everywhere in the globe except where they call home. Different area codes, regions, countries may require different statuses. People are not that simple. It does not provide us with a blank to fill in just in case we do not fall into any of the above categories nor a little space for us to explain any further details if we feel like it. It is too simplistic. When 'it's complicated', I wonder is it 'it's complicated' because they are seriously dating a few or are they playing the field with nothing further in mind in terms of establishing a commitment/status? Or, is it complicated because they cannot make up their mind with just one person? Sometimes, depending who asks the question, people are 'single', 'married' and 'in a relationship' all at the same time, OR none of the above. Different people may get different answers from the same person who is being asked. I have seen people, intentionally or not, straddle the fence so they can play both sides of the fence because they have a need to have a safety net or they don't want to miss out just in case something better comes up. And then there are those who leaves their status undeclared or is uncomfortable and apprehensive when questions sorrounding this issue comes up. Or, may be the reason is that it takes the fun out of the game when a status has been declared. Still, there are those whose specialty is to pursue someone who is 'almost single' because it's a challenge. On the other side of the coin, I know some who specialize in being 'almost single'. Opposite sex friends with benefits trully do exist and likewise, opposite sex friends with emotional benefits. Relationship status can be used as a convenient measure to get other things in life. You get the picture.
So bottom line is, sometimes a relationship status is open to interpretation. What someone may initially appear to be, single or occupied, may not reflect the actual state they are in with regards to their relationship. Also, a relationship status in friendster is nothing more than a guideline often times.
Whatever someone's status may be, or lack thereof, get to know them as a person. Know what questions to ask and know how to probe as appropriate. Find the the right time to ask. This way we have at least made an attempt to obtain a more accurate response; and therefore, get a better picture of what is going on. And it's important to pay attention to how someone replies to these questions. Of course, content matters; but get the feeling of the entire situation, if possible. This is where nonverbal cues and body language come into play. That's another topic.
I have a lot of single friends. And questions regarding their relationship status do surface from time to time. Some i can respond pretty easily and in a straight forward manner. Others do not fall into that black and white category. When that happens and someone asks me : is so and so single? Then i'd have to respond : 'Do you want me to tell you what I see?' OR 'Do you want me to tell you what they probably want me to say if these kinds of questions were to come up?' OR 'You can ask them yourself'
For example, if my relationship status was to come up, I'm always married. However, my husband and I do not always function as a couple. When I go out on my own or with my friends, I am and function as an independent, but still a married woman. If I am out with my husband, i function as a couple with him.
Pls do add any other possible relationship status interpretations you guys can think of that I haven't covered here
Brief exploration of DIFFERENT TYPES OF RELATIONSHIP STATUSES AND THEIR POSSIBLE INTERPRETATIONS
The previous article 'How Women Pick Mates Vs. Flings' is a very interesting one. It does makes sense though. Initially, males with strong masculine features tend to stand out, i.e. soap opera guys??...:D:D:D They draw attention first hand as opposed to males with feminine features. Guys who do not have as much testosterone can better relate to the female species, which is a plus too. Actually, guys who are in touch with their feminine side has the advantage to draw the girls in and is able to emotionally bond with them, so much so that it becomes a challenge for the girls to resist and to let go once the attachment is well-formed and solid. This is very true because emotional attachment is much more deeper and stronger than physical attachment. And I see this repeatedly amongst friends. They are physically single, but emotionally unavailable due to deep-rooted emotional attachment they have for another person.
Nowadays, it is a good idea to rephrase the question : 'Are you single?' into : 'Are you single and emotionally available?' Initially, sometimes people do appear to be single, but do take the time to get to know where someone exactly is, physically, emotionally, and mentally. People are uncertain about their relationship status these days and many carry emotional baggage. The most common scenario is immediately after a break-up, someone is obviously single, physically. But most likely, they are still emotionally occupied for a while. Not to mention, they may have their mindset somewhere else other than being in a relationship and/or that having a relationship (status) may not be a concern in their mind at all.
I have a friendster account and what people indicate as a relationship status does not necessarily reflect what is true in life. It only includes 5 categories : Single, In A Relationship, Married, Domestic Partner, OR It's Complicated. It does not allow multiple statuses, which many people sometimes have depending where they are. May be it should ask when, where, and how your indicated status applies to you.
Sometimes they are 'single' in the US, but not out of state nor overseas. May be they are 'it's complicated' everywhere in the globe except where they call home. Different area codes, regions, countries may require different statuses. People are not that simple. It does not provide us with a blank to fill in just in case we do not fall into any of the above categories nor a little space for us to explain any further details if we feel like it. It is too simplistic. When 'it's complicated', I wonder is it 'it's complicated' because they are seriously dating a few or are they playing the field with nothing further in mind in terms of establishing a commitment/status? Or, is it complicated because they cannot make up their mind with just one person? Sometimes, depending who asks the question, people are 'single', 'married' and 'in a relationship' all at the same time, OR none of the above. Different people may get different answers from the same person who is being asked. I have seen people, intentionally or not, straddle the fence so they can play both sides of the fence because they have a need to have a safety net or they don't want to miss out just in case something better comes up. And then there are those who leaves their status undeclared or is uncomfortable and apprehensive when questions sorrounding this issue comes up. Or, may be the reason is that it takes the fun out of the game when a status has been declared. Still, there are those whose specialty is to pursue someone who is 'almost single' because it's a challenge. On the other side of the coin, I know some who specialize in being 'almost single'. Opposite sex friends with benefits trully do exist and likewise, opposite sex friends with emotional benefits. Relationship status can be used as a convenient measure to get other things in life. You get the picture.
So bottom line is, sometimes a relationship status is open to interpretation. What someone may initially appear to be, single or occupied, may not reflect the actual state they are in with regards to their relationship. Also, a relationship status in friendster is nothing more than a guideline often times.
Whatever someone's status may be, or lack thereof, get to know them as a person. Know what questions to ask and know how to probe as appropriate. Find the the right time to ask. This way we have at least made an attempt to obtain a more accurate response; and therefore, get a better picture of what is going on. And it's important to pay attention to how someone replies to these questions. Of course, content matters; but get the feeling of the entire situation, if possible. This is where nonverbal cues and body language come into play. That's another topic.
I have a lot of single friends. And questions regarding their relationship status do surface from time to time. Some i can respond pretty easily and in a straight forward manner. Others do not fall into that black and white category. When that happens and someone asks me : is so and so single? Then i'd have to respond : 'Do you want me to tell you what I see?' OR 'Do you want me to tell you what they probably want me to say if these kinds of questions were to come up?' OR 'You can ask them yourself'
For example, if my relationship status was to come up, I'm always married. However, my husband and I do not always function as a couple. When I go out on my own or with my friends, I am and function as an independent, but still a married woman. If I am out with my husband, i function as a couple with him.
Pls do add any other possible relationship status interpretations you guys can think of that I haven't covered here
Monday, January 8, 2007
HOW WOMEN PICK MATES VS. FLINGS
By Abigail W. Leonard
Science might be able to explain our fascination with Brad Pitt's chiseled jaw and George
Clooney's smoldering eyes.
Women seem to judge potential mates by how masculine their features are, new research shows. Men with square jaws and well-defined brow ridges are seen as good short-term partners, while those with more feminine traits such as a rounder face and fuller lips are perceived as better long-term mates.
In the study, 854 male and female subjects viewed a series of male head shots that had been digitally altered to exaggerate or minimize masculine traits. The participants then answered questions about how they expected the men in the photos to behave.
Overwhelmingly, participants said those with more masculine features were likely to be risky and competitive and also more apt to fight, challenge bosses, cheat on spouses and put less effort into parenting. Those with more feminine faces were seen as good parents and husbands, hard workers and emotionally supportive mates [compare examples].
Despite all the negative attributes, when asked who they would choose for a short-term relationship, women still selected the more masculine looking men. Brad and George then would be picks for a brief romance, if not the long haul.
Makes sense
The study, detailed in the December issue of the journal Personal Relationships, reached conclusions similar to research published earlier last year in Britain.
The new study's author, Daniel Kruger at the University of Michigan's School of Public Health, said that from an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense women would view more masculine-looking men as potential flings and less masculine-looking ones as long-term partners.
The key, he said, is testosterone, the hormone responsible for development of masculine facial features and other secondary sexual characteristics.
Testosterone is necessary for development, but can also have detrimental health effects. It has been shown, for example, to interfere with the body's immune response, so men who are able to maintain high levels of the hormone are typically strong and healthy—traits women would want to pass on to their progeny.
Increased testosterone has also been linked to male cheating and violence in relationships, so while these men might produce high quality offspring, they don't always make great parents or faithful mates, Kruger says.
The study suggests women could be equipped to use seemingly superficial characteristics "as a cue to pick up on trends in these behavioral strategies," Kruger said.
Get a clue
There are plenty of these signals in the animal world. Male peacocks' huge, outrageous tails can make foraging for food and evading predators difficult, but the plumage, which many researchers say indicates male fitness, is so effective at luring females that the trait has been preserved in the population, Kruger points out.
While the findings are compelling, the scientific community has typically greeted the field of physiognomy, which links facial characteristics to certain behavioral traits, with skepticism.
Kruger argues, however, that the research is a valuable tool for understanding mating strategies. And, of course, for explaining how Pitt and Clooney managed to snag People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" title two times each—it might have to do with their genes, but could also have something to do with ours.
Science might be able to explain our fascination with Brad Pitt's chiseled jaw and George
Clooney's smoldering eyes.
Women seem to judge potential mates by how masculine their features are, new research shows. Men with square jaws and well-defined brow ridges are seen as good short-term partners, while those with more feminine traits such as a rounder face and fuller lips are perceived as better long-term mates.
In the study, 854 male and female subjects viewed a series of male head shots that had been digitally altered to exaggerate or minimize masculine traits. The participants then answered questions about how they expected the men in the photos to behave.
Overwhelmingly, participants said those with more masculine features were likely to be risky and competitive and also more apt to fight, challenge bosses, cheat on spouses and put less effort into parenting. Those with more feminine faces were seen as good parents and husbands, hard workers and emotionally supportive mates [compare examples].
Despite all the negative attributes, when asked who they would choose for a short-term relationship, women still selected the more masculine looking men. Brad and George then would be picks for a brief romance, if not the long haul.
Makes sense
The study, detailed in the December issue of the journal Personal Relationships, reached conclusions similar to research published earlier last year in Britain.
The new study's author, Daniel Kruger at the University of Michigan's School of Public Health, said that from an evolutionary perspective, it makes sense women would view more masculine-looking men as potential flings and less masculine-looking ones as long-term partners.
The key, he said, is testosterone, the hormone responsible for development of masculine facial features and other secondary sexual characteristics.
Testosterone is necessary for development, but can also have detrimental health effects. It has been shown, for example, to interfere with the body's immune response, so men who are able to maintain high levels of the hormone are typically strong and healthy—traits women would want to pass on to their progeny.
Increased testosterone has also been linked to male cheating and violence in relationships, so while these men might produce high quality offspring, they don't always make great parents or faithful mates, Kruger says.
The study suggests women could be equipped to use seemingly superficial characteristics "as a cue to pick up on trends in these behavioral strategies," Kruger said.
Get a clue
There are plenty of these signals in the animal world. Male peacocks' huge, outrageous tails can make foraging for food and evading predators difficult, but the plumage, which many researchers say indicates male fitness, is so effective at luring females that the trait has been preserved in the population, Kruger points out.
While the findings are compelling, the scientific community has typically greeted the field of physiognomy, which links facial characteristics to certain behavioral traits, with skepticism.
Kruger argues, however, that the research is a valuable tool for understanding mating strategies. And, of course, for explaining how Pitt and Clooney managed to snag People Magazine's "Sexiest Man Alive" title two times each—it might have to do with their genes, but could also have something to do with ours.
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